Uncle Trevor Ask Uncle Trevor:

After a lifetime traversing the nether regions of the planet, Uncle Trevor has settled in Wymsey and brings his wealth of knowledge and experience to bear on your problems. No matter in what area your difficulty lays Uncle Trevor can help - relationships, money, computers, existentials, etc - you may find the answer below, if not use the form to submit your problem to the might of Uncle Trevor.

Note: Uncle Trevor does not have the time to enter into personal correspondence. All names and places are changed for protection purposes.

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Dear Uncle Trevor, writes John Motley of Lamesville, Arizona, people laugh when I tell them where I come from. What can I do?

UT:There are many things you can do, for a start you could raise a petition to get the name of your town changed, you could pronounce it LAA MES VILLE and drop the Arizona. Or, like me, you could move to Wymsey.

Dear Unc, mails Tina Small of Lumbago, South Africa: Am I strange? You see I have no problems but my friends say there must be something wrong with me.

UT:Not strange Tina but unusual like the Legumese water carrier I met whilst traversing the Matahari Desert who was perfectly wonderful except that she compulsively chewed her toenails - of course she cut the nails off first.

Dear Uncle Trevor can you please help me? I am a devoted fan of Fransoise Hardy but my husband has hidden my collection of her CDs because of the war with France and I am devastated.

UT:I think I may be able to help you with this, just send me a cheque for 47.75 and I will send you my own collection in plain brown packaging.

Hey Trev! I know what you will say but I promised my mother I would contact you as she seems to think I have a problem, she said something about my listening skills but I don't recall exactly. I know I'm wasting my time - yours too I expect . Gordie.

UT:Well Gordie, what can I say?

Dear Mr Mornington-Crescent, mails Glenda Dural of London: I am at my wit's end over this one, I have recently returned from a two month holiday in New Zealand and am finding it very hard to get to sleep at night. It's not jet lag as I've been back over two weeks. In the past counting sheep always worked for me. Please help!

UT:This is a well know problem for returnees from the Antipodes Glenda, I had the same problem myself in 1976 and switched to camels which worked well until I spent a year in Tangier. My Kiwi friend tells me that he counts people and soon nods off. I once knew someone who counted spiders. Just pick another animal and you will be away in no time.

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