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The Archive, January 2000

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January 1st
Wymsey Says No
To Metric Veg:

veg Already angry because the Crown & Thorns ran out of beer just two hours into the millennium, villagers today were further angered to hear that the English government had ordered Wymsey to use the metric system. Educated readers will be aware that whereas the imperial pound is a weight the kilogram is a mass but to the people of Wymsey it's all apples and bananas.

A brief foray onto the Green revealed that villagers were in no mood to compromise over this latest of anti-Wymsey behaviour by the smoothies in London. "If they start sending those kilos down here, we'll just mark them 'Return to Sender' and demand pounds," said Sam Toogood, Landlord of the Crown & Thorns.

Local historian and retired schoolmaster, John Applegate told our reporter, Charlie Stebbings, "First the bible into English and now this, I just don't know how much more I can take. Why must they meddle?" Postmistress Edith Chomsky, however, was upbeat, "We did that with the mail years ago so I'm bilingual when it comes to weights and measures. It's like learning a second language really, I just think pounds - do a quick mental conversion and Bob's your uncle."


Blaah Goes Metric
metric rule Once again ex-Parish Council Chairman, failed European Parliamentary Candidate and local businessman, Julius Blaah has trodden roughshod over local sensibilities. This time it is over the Metric Weights Directive from the English Government. "For god's sake, what is wrong with the people of this village? First they reject me in favour of a bunch of loonies and now they refuse to embrace the metric system. On one hand they get drunk to welcome in a new age and on the other they want their carrots weighed in pounds."

We understand that as from January 1st Julius Blaah will have a mass of 81.1818 Kilograms, in the last century he weighed 180 pounds. The Chronicle would like thank the third year students of physics at UWAT (University of Watchester) for performing the conversions.


Down Our Lane
with Sam

That's it then, over for another thousand years, all that damn bell ringing and fireworks in the middle of the night - woke me up I can tell you, nearly feel off me bar stool not that I'd have been alone down there on the floor, oh no.

Did you get some socks then? Me, I got three pairs - all grey they was - from me sister, her what has the bungalow in Swanage. The other one, her what lives in North London, she sent me an email saying as she was not sending any cards or presents this year but was sending 5 to the Millennium Cleanup Fund and how I was to do the same. Always was bossy. Tightfisted too but maybe that's how she gets live where she does what with her three cars and a pass to Hampstead Garden Suburb.

I took a look at me hens this morning and they're still laying imperial eggs so I reckons that there millennium metric bug thing was all tosh. They do say as how a lot of them computer jonnies have taken early retirement like what I did when I left school but I did always know a thing or two before most people.

Me garlic came through, did yours? Little green fellahs they are, poking through about an inch. And what about your leeks then? Mine have gone crazy putting out leaves like tentacles - scared to go near 'em I am, I reaches out with a long bamboo stick and hits 'em a bit before I dig 'em up, that's what I does.


January 14th
New Role For Mir?
MIR It was revealed this week that a consortium headed by ESI Computing, an offshoot of the Ernest Stuffe Institute, are in negotiations with the Russian Space Academy concerning the future of the MIR space station.

Flushed with the success of their Y2K ChronoCorrector project, ESI Computing's chief programmer Jonathan Thomas told the Chronicle, "It may look like a load of scrap iron to the untutored eye but we think that MIR has a bright future in the right hands. We are looking at a number of options including bringing the station into geostationary orbit over Wymsey to provide ultra-fast internet access for the village."


Car Causes Chaos:
Wymsey resident Gordon Chumpley was at the centre of mayhem on Tuesday morning. Chumpley, 47, was driving along the Watchester road north of Martingdale, as he approached the Slywood level crossing he saw that the barriers were down and waiting to cross the track were a man with a dog and another on a horse. Due to the narrowness of the road at this point Chumpley applied his brakes in order to avoid the man and horse. "Unfortunately at that precise moment a motorcycle came around the corner behind me," Chumpley later told police.

The motor cycle ran into the back of Chumpley's car causing it's rider, the Rev Chester Rutland, to rise over the car depositing him on the vehicle's roof. This took the horse by surprise and the chestnut gelding bolted throwing it's rider, Andrew Silk, into the roadside hedge.

Pensioner and ex-train driver, Joe 'Puffer' Parks, tied his dog to the barrier and went to extract Silk from the hedge. Much to the surprise of the dog, a warning bell rang and the barrier began to rise leaving it suspended in mid-air. Hearing his dog's strangled yelps Parks rushed to release the creature. Once back on terra firma the dog, somewhat distracted, licked it's owner and then rushed barking at Silk who was sitting on the roadside nursing a sore head. It took Parks some time to remove Silk's left arm from the dog's jaws.

Four policemen, twelve paramedics and attractive Susie Quadtwain, 27, of the RSPCA eventually restored calm to a usually peaceful country road. A spokesman for Watchester police said that the Rev Chester Rutland would be charged for riding a motorcycle without due care and attention.


Down Our Lane
with Sam

So, did you get the flu then? I knows I did - laid me down rotten it did. You know what gets my goose, you tells a person and he says there's a lot of it about. Have you noticed that? Damn me there I am with them virus thingies swimming through me veins and turning me lunch to slime and everyone else is the same. Where's the sympathy in that I asks meself.

What about that Gordon Chumpley then, I had to laugh - bet you did too. I knows him well, went to school with him - always a bit on the clever side he was - we called him Chump and he used to call me Drain. Not so clever when he married Zennella Spritshift though - Chump and Frump as we used to say - seeing as how she ran off with that writer chappie, him that ran amok among them girlies at the University. Still that's education for you, just another excuse for fornication I says.

That Rev Chester Rutland is a case I can tell you, evangelical he is - blooming menace they are if you ask me. Spreading the word on that damn great Japanese motorbike, looks like the devil in all that black leather I reckon. Not like our vicar, you wouldn't find him biking for Jesus I can tell you.

I loves January and February I does, you can't get into the garden on account of it being mostly bog plus the smell of the compost what turns to a rotting mess. I read all those books about compost making I can tell you they are all talking cobblers about steaming piles and loamy compost what you could put in your muesli. It ain't like that on the coal face I can tell you. I reckons the best thing about your compost heap is it gets you out of the house once a day.


January 28th
Aussie Downside
Distresses Wymsey

Kevin Downside Villagers were upset to the point of being distraught this week upon hearing the pronouncements of Australian Kevin Downside who is an expert on international relationships. Downside, from the Pacific Rim Institute of Koolawatta, Queensland, accused the Wymsey Chronicle of setting out to jepodise international relations and to generally misinform the world at large.

The Chronicle editorial team were particularly hurt and one member became so dis-orientated that he sat on his reading glasses causing them to break tearing his trousers seat in the process. No member of the team was prepared to apply a band aid to the subsequent cut and said member was forced to apply it himself with the aid of a hand mirror lent to him by our post room girl, Shonie Filletson.

Local smallholder and pig breeder, Leslie Smith commented, "Funny lot they are, they all rushes over here as fast as they can and proceed to run us down. Short of a couple of stubbies they are, if you ask me."

The Wymsey Chronicle will petition the Parish Council to break off diplomatic relations with Queensland should the village become independent.


Car Crash Confusion:
The Wymsey Chronicle would like to apologies to those involved in the unfortunate accident on the Watchester Road two weeks ago, a number of errors crept into our report and we are pleased to correct them.

In fact, only two paramedics were present at the scene. It should further be mentioned that the Rev Chester Rutland did not land on the roof of Gordon Chumpley's car but on the bonnet. Also Joe Parker's nickname is not 'Puffer' but '2-4-2'. In passing, we would like to point out that to describe RSPCA officer Susie Quadtwain, 27, as "attractive" singled her out in a way that was not appropriate, we should have said "stunning".

See last weeks Chronicle for the whole story.


Down Our Lane
with Sam

So, did you get over the flu then? I knows I did - fit as a well oiled gate hinge I am now. Can't say the same about Vera Snodging though, well oiled she may be but fit she ain't, poor old sot. Well I do feel sorry for her but I can't say as how I will be when she has her final fall. Did it again this week, one moment she's standing there and next there's a thud and she's lying on her back groaning, turns out that this time it was her shoelace and not the usual three pints of gin.

One good thing about this time of year is the way that nature sleeps, shuts down she does. Come the spring and she's rampant, drives me mad it does - birds singing, lambs gamboling, every blooming thing on the go. 'Can't understand why all those townies want to live in the country, bet they think it's all blue bells and robin redbreasts, silly chumps. Which reminds me, some of you folk have asked if Sam is me real name and what the rest of it is. Well me dears, Samuel I Nertia is me full name though I don't often bother to use it.

Meanwhile, a reader wrote and she said what could she be doing in her garden during January, silly chump. If you got money me dear then you forget your garden and go to Australia for a couple of months, if you got lots of money I'll come with you and we'll go dingo spotting. If you ain't got any money then you wants to get under the duvet like what I does.


Brains Too Big?
Commenting on the recent discovery that teenage angst is due to a spurt in brain size at puberty (it later shrinks with the discovery of alcohol) fourteen year old Sara Pilkington-Glass told our reporter to "bog off you creepy bald granddad."


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January 1st
No Bugs In Wymsey:
bug On the stroke of midnight, January 31st, 1999 the village of Wymsey embraced the 21st Century without looking backwards - except for Vera Snodging, 79, who thought she was being followed by a strange man - highly unlikely as there is no one strange in the Village.

Despite fears, fostered by the English government's LookOut 2000 campaign, that life as we knew it would be two digits short of a millennium nothing untoward happened in the environs digitwise.

Unperturbed by meltdown fears, Wymsey Bell Ringers climbed the tower of St Duvet & All Angels to ring in the new age with sixteen rounds of Wymsey Bob Changes before repairing to the Crown & Thorns where they partook of sixteen rounds of Winter Brew.


French Diplomat
Leaves Paris In A Storm:

Cheri Bastille
Amidst hundreds of falling trees Special French Envoy, Madame Cheri Bastilles left Paris last week to spend Christmas in Wymsey. "I 'ave come 'ere to get away from it all, the whole of France is a disaster. It is heart breaking and your lovely villagers will be a diversion.

The Chronicle understands that Madame Bastilles will be the guest of Professor Michael Field.


Ratkisser Provokes

Ms Cathy Ratkisser "Gnomophobia?" queried one confused resident, "not me matey, I gets a checkup at the clinic every year."
"We're pretty rampant around here but gnomophobic? I just don't buy it," said another.
Yet another wondered why there was always some one attacking the Village about something or other, "I don't recall ever thinking about gnomes before but now they seem to be invading what streams of consciousness haven't dried up."

GnomeWatch USA proposed that Wymsey should have a dinosaur as it's Millennium Statement. "This would be in line with your rampant gnomophobia and show just how prepared you all are to deal with challenges that face us all."


Publisher's Message:
The Wymsey Chronicle strives to remain constant and true to it's readership in a world of continual technological change. Unfortunately, powers beyond our control have forced certain changes in our production methods - yes the English Government. From our next edition the Wymsey Chronicle will have mass rather than weight, we will do our utmost to make this invisible to our readers.


"Where's Our Digger?"
Asks Cable Company:

Wymsey Cable The Watchester based Wymsey Cable, the company that last recently brought the village to a complete standstill, were yesterday seeking their digger which has disappeared from it's parking place on the Martingdale Road.

cable digger The digger was last seen on Christmas Eve and driver, O'Caren O'Realy, was furious when he arrived to start work on Thursday morning, "I'm on double time and if any of yous soft wired bumpkins want to mess then O'Realy's your man. Just wait 'til I get some of the black stuff in me belly and I'll be ready for the lot of yous." O'really then wandered over to the Crown & Thorns.


January 14th
Millennium Water Tower
Delayed By Pre-history:

Construction of the Wymsey Millennium Statement was halted this week when contractors unearthed what would appear to be the original Stone Age settlement. Wymseyhenge Already dubbed 'Wymhenge' the site is being poured over by archaeologists from the University of Watchester (UWAT) and a couple of hippies.

"Scruffy lot these archaeologists." observed local pig breeder, Leslie Smith.

Parish Council leader, Gordon deStompe was ecstatic when he spoke to our reporter, "I'm over the moon I can tell you, this is great news for Wymsey and could really put us on the map. We hope to arrive at a decision about the Millennium Water Tower as soon as preliminary excavations are completed but at this stage it is beginning to look as if there will be no water tower on Wymsey Hill."

Local historian and retired schoolmaster, John Applegate, was also over the moon - for him, "If it is what it appears to be and I think we do have to be cautious at this stage then this discovery might well turn out to be jolly exciting."

This discovery certainly puts the lead shot amongst the muesli vis-a-vis Wymsey's Millennium Statement and will certain give encouragement to those who have recently given support to the 350 foot gnome that was earlier rejected due to public protest and which triggered an historical Parish Council bye-election ( see NoNomeNohow, sic for this story of people power in action).


GnomeWatch Laughs
At Wymsey:

Cathy Ratkisser of GnomeWatch Ms Cathy Ratkisser, European President of GnomeWatch, was laughing up her sleeve when she heard from her supporter in Wymsey that it seemed unlikely that the Millennium Water Tower would go ahead, "I nearly wet myself, I can tell you. After what I said a couple of weeks ago you go and dig up your grandpa's house. I guess that puts the gnome back on the table and a good thing too."

Ms Ratcatcher is at present visiting Seattle to lay plans for the first Global GnomeWatch Conference which takes place in June ( for more information see the Parish Notice Board.


Vegetarians Pursue
Tofu Hunters:

tofu hunters Wymsey Vegetarians this week called for an end to tofu hunting which they described as barbaric, anachronistic and unnecessary. Secretary Ethel M Nails stated, "Tofu has no known enemy other than man, I have never seen a woman hunting tofu, it goes with the territory I guess." But wasn't the Prince of Wales in favour of hunting we asked her. "Well, he's man isn't he?" was her reply. Wymsey Vegetarians Chairperson, Bertram B Nails, interrupted by pointing out that he was man and he would stop at nothing to see the end of tofu hunting.

Leader of the Pack Major General Braking-Barking was livid when we phoned him at Barking Hall, "I'm dam livid at those two woolly-hatted trouble makers, they'll be the death of me," he fumed. But did they not have a point we asked. "A point! They'll have more than one point if they cross my path I can you. What the hell are they doing living in the country. If they aren't going to do anything they should get off the pot as we used to say in the army."

The Vegetarians plan to disrupt the St Valentines Hunt on February 13th.


Another Publisher's

Observant readers will be aware of subtle changes to this edition of the Wymsey Chronicle. This is due to metrification following the directive from the English parliament. We apologies for the fact that the paper is no longer as weighty as it was in the last century but being metric means that we now have mass which was lacking in previous editions. We can assure readers that this will not effect the gravity which we bring to bear on local issues.


January 28th
Contortium Training
Trip Announced:

This week the WebSpin Management Contortium announced that their bi-annual training event would take place in Total Wreck, Arizona. A spokesperson told the Chronicle that the theme of the two weeks training event would be team building under hostile conditions. "Total Wreck is our kind of town." She said.

Local people, usually skeptical about these events, are beginning to question, amongst other things, the direction in which the Contortium is headed.


Wymsey Sunstone

Sunstone, Wymhenge This week more of Wymhenge was revealed as archaeologists unearthed and re-erected what has been dubbed the 'Sunstone' due to it's being on the eastern side of the henge (see last weeks Chronicle). UWAT astro-physicist, Dr Royson Harts, explained that on the summer solstice the rising sun would shine through the aperture on side of the stone.

A skeptical Leslie Smith, pig breeder and smallholder commented, "Blathering idiot he is, stands to reason that the sun will shine through that hole every damn dawn." .


Tofu Hunters Target

Wymsey & District Tofu Hunt this week hit out at local vegetarians Bertram B. and Ethel M Nails after they decried the practise of hunting tofu. Barking-BarkingLeader of the Pack Major General Braking-Barking was fuming when we phoned him at Barking Hall, "Those damn people will be the death of country life as we know it , how else can the spread of tofu be controlled. Without the hunt the whole of the County could become over run. Vermin have to be controlled. These people should not be allowed out of their garden," he told us.

Wymsey Vegetarians have pledged to save local tofu and plan to disrupt the St Valentines Hunt on February 13th.

Local sceptic, pig breeder and smallholder, Leslie Smith, commented, "I don't know what the damn fuss is about, I'm an expert tofu lorist I am and in twenty five years I've not seen any tofu in the environs and I has me doubts as to whether or not the whole thing is just a figment. Those hunters and vegetarians are a few kisses short of a love life if you asks me."


Wymsey Wins At Davos:
Happy villagers thronged the public bar of the Crown & Thorns to celebrate victory over the multi-national fascist food companies at Davos in Switzerland. The Chronicle has consistently waged war against local GM despots Montantrum Bionics (see past issues) and their apologist ex-parish councilor Julius Blaah. A spokesman for Montantrum told the Chronicle, "This decision is a sad one for us, our only objective was to feed the world."

In another, under-reported, back down US President, Bill Clinton, was forced to give way over the Dah Dits issue. Although he reversed his earlier total ban in response to Belgium's remove of Cocoa Cola from shop shelves, Clinton had ordered a 100 per cent import duty on the Wymsey cough drop and has now admitted that this was not in the spirit of free world trade. Cynical observers might say that this has more to do with Republican Presidential Candidate Bush's 'Right to Suck' campaign.

Either way it is good news for Wymsey's premier export company who hope to profit from the unseasonal weather in the southern states of America..


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