Wymsey - the Archives

May 1998 - December 1998

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May 10th, 1998
Wednesday's Wymsey Parish Council meeting almost ended in uproar at proposals to introduce frames to the village. A seething crowd packed the village hall to hear council members express their anger and disgust at the way Wymsey was being treated by the Web Spin Management Contortium.

Amongst unprintable comments about incomers with too much silly money the more moderate Members tried to pass a motion which would have led to representations to WebSpin and a request for a site meeting but this proposal was booed down by the public. Council member General Barking-Barking pointed out that the Amateur Radio site had taken unilateral action and members of their Antenna Committee had already dismantled the frames that had been imposed on them.

After much arguing a proposal from Council member John Applegate, retired schoolmaster, that Wymsey declare itself a Frame Free Zone was accepted and voted upon. The motion was passed with a majority of 2 and 7 abstentions. It was further agreed that the Parish would bear the cost of the erection of two new welcome signs at each end of the village which would carry the legend "Welcome to Wymsey England's first Frame Free Zone" although Treasurer, Simon Wadlinton-Smythe indicated that this could put 0.1 pence on next year's precept - he was booed.

It was also decided to inform the WebSpin Management Contortium of the decision and to actively encourage them to take all frames off site. Local pig breeder, Leslie Smith commented, "We haven't heard the last of this."

( hams ) flocked to the saloon bar of the Crown & Thorns, Wymsey last Thursday evening in celebration of their inventor Gigalo Marconi. This they did by consuming vast quantities of Lambrusco. Landlord, Sam Toogood was said to have made two trips to Watchester Cash n Carry. Singing began early and after many rounds of da dit-da dit- da da di da the hams moved on to choruses from Italian Opera after which bar staff laid them gently on the village green where they slept peacefully 'til dawn.

CHINESE AT THE BOTTOM OF THE GARDEN:It is expected that the Minister for the Environment will next week call in controversial planning application FD100907/98. The application, made by Take-A-Way Franchises PLC, is for a Chinese take away retail conversion of 86, High Street, Wymsey. The major objector is Major General Barking-Barking of Barking House, The Square, Farthingdale whose garden backs onto the proposed site. A spokes-person for Take-A-Way refused to comment. The General is at present in hospital due to hypertension.

WEB SPIN CAVE IN: As the Chronicle was going to press we heard from a close source that the WebSpin Management Contortium is to announce a complete vote face on frames. The source indicated that work would begin immediately to remove existing structures.

May 17th, 1998
Wymsey Frog Menace:Panic hit the streets of Wymsey on Tuesday afternoon when over a hundred alien tree frogs were sighted in a meadow near Wymsey Bottom. Experts from the Earth Ecology Unit of the University of Watchester were called in to identify and deal with the amphibians, they were accompanied by a man from the RSPCA and attractive Tina Smith, 23, of Frog Watch UK. Professor Michael Field of the Ecology Unit identified the frogs as being similar to some members of the family Hylidae. On closer inspection the frogs were found to be plastic and made in the Peoples Republic of China.

Investment in staff at WebSpin:
The WebSpin Management Contortium yesterday reported on their commitment to staff training aiming, in particular, to creating smooth client/server relationships. All ten Contortium members took part in a two day training course run by international business trainers Boogle, Bingle & Bangle PLC. The picture shows staff members who graduated from the "Be Friendly & Smile" seminar.

Tinniswood Move Denied: A spokesperson for the author Peter Tinniswood, creator of such eternal characters as Winston 'my car, my motor' Hayballs, & Uncle Mort, said that there was no truth in the report by the London Evening Standard, that Mr. Tinniswood was seeking a suitable property in the Wymsey area. She stated, "Mr Tinniswood has never heard of Wymsey and is very happy where he is, he has no intention of moving, ever." Despite this denial, rumours continue to circulate. Yesterday a strange man on a bicycle was spotted near the Wymsey Navigation. Leslie Smith, a local pig breeder, commented,"There's more to this than meets the eye."

Chinese plans called in:The Minister for the Environment has called in the planning application (no. FD100907/98) for a Chinese take away at 86, High Street, Wymsey. This procedure is very likely to lead to a public inquiry which would be unlikely to take place during 1998. A spokesperson for the applicants, Take-A-Way Franchises PLC, was unavailable but General Barking-Barking's secretary, Miss Cynthia Bing-Jones said that the General would be very happy to give whole sorry thing an airing in public. (We are pleased to report that General Barking-Barking is out of hospital and that his blood pressure is now normal - for him.)

Humble Pie Eaten: As was suggested in last week's edition, there has been a complete turn around by the WebSpin Management Contortium on the frames issue. Under the cover of the weekend all frames were removed by specially hired contractors, WebSpin have yet to make a public statement regarding future policy (par for the course - ed.) and there is dissatisfaction in many quarters at the cavalier attitude of the Management Contortium when it comes to it's dealing with Wymsey and other client sites.

May 22nd, 1998
WebSpin Contortium in US talks: The WebSpin Management Contortium yesterday announced that they were holding exploratory talks with The AmazingGrace Corporation of Missouri and that an initial meeting has been set for barley September. A spokesperson said that the announcement was being made now because of the abundance of ill-informed rumours whose circulation was in danger of affecting stock value. She also said that all members of the Contortium would be taking part in the talks and when asked if this was not just a jolly for the Members replied that, "we do the work so we get to play."

The AmazingGrace Corp. is world renowned for it's Kevin range of fridge magnets and, according to New York Analyst, Norman Yackinsky, is well placed to make acquisitions in the UK market, "a mutually agreed partnership is not out of the question." he said.

The Contortium spokesperson stated that Members would fly to New York on September 10th and travel by train to Kansas City where meetings with the AmazingGrace Corp are due to commence on Tuesday, September 13th. She indicated that the Contortium offices would be closed from Wednesday, September 9th until Monday, October 3rd.
Local pig breeder, Mr Leslie Smith commented, "If you ask me, there's something going on here.

while the cat's away .......

Within hours of the Wymsey Management Contortium trip to America being announced Wymsey Parish Council announced that this year's Wymsey Fete & Vegetable Show would take place on Saturday, September 19th. whilst the Contortium was abroad. Potential trade stall holders should contact the Fete Trade Secretary on Wymsey 362089 and those interested in exhibiting at the Vegetable Show should contact the Secretary of the Wymsey Allotment Society on Wymsey 367788.

June 12th, 1998

Torquay to open fete: Julia St. Carlton Es Pernier, ex super model Torquay, has agreed to open the 87th annual Wymsey Fete & Vegetable Show on Saturday, September 19th.

Miss St. Carlton Es Pernier has also agreed to help raise funds for the Wymsey Navigation Restoration Fund by posing for amateur photographers. A spokesman for the Wymsey Photographic Society, who are organising the sessions told the Chronicle that there would be eight half hour sessions and that the cost would be 20 per session. From 3-4pm Miss St. Carlton Es Pernier will be signing copies of her autobiography "To Torquay and Back."

Wymsey to link to Roswell: It was announced on Wednesday that Wymsey Parish Council has agreed in principle to twin with the town of Roswell in New Mexico, USA. Council member John Applegate, retired schoolmaster said, "We are not really into all that alien stuff, we just felt that Roswell has so much in common with Wymsey. Particularly in respect to being a legend and the source of many modern myths. Speaking personally, I find New Mexico fascinating, it has so much history."
Leslie Smith, local pig breeder, was quoted as saying,"There's more to this than meets the eye."

June 16th, 1998
Dolphin Mystery: Early yesterday (Thursday) morning reports began to come into the offices of the Chronicle that a dolphin had been sighted in the Wymsey Navigation.We quickly dispatched our ace reporter, Charlie Stebbings and staff photographer Angela Makepeace to the banks of the Navigation. Wymsey Parish Council called in Professor Michael Field of the Earth Ecology Unit at the University of Watchester to advise. Professor Field said, "This is a mystery."

The dolphin was observed to be swimming up and down the canal looking thoroughly at home.

July 24th, 1998
CROP CIRCLE IN WYMSEY BOTTOM: On Wednesday Wymsey Bottom Farm was invaded by ufologists, hippies, travelers, spotty youths, the seven lost tribes and two Jehovah's witnesses as rumours spread that a crop circle had appeared overnight (as these things do) in Seven Acre Field which this year sports a fine crop of Frungles891 barley. Experts were called in from far afield including Professor Michael Field of the Earth Ecology Unit at the University of Watchester. Professor Field, Mickey to his friends, said, "This is a mystery."

While some wish to maintain that this is the work of extraterrestrials there are those who think that it is the work of the mysterious SHED69 group. A spokeswoman for the National Farmers Union is quoted as saying, "Oh no not another one, this year's harvest is likely to be a whole 1% down due to the rash of these things. We all know how everyone has it in for the farming community and now it looks as if that includes the cosmos. Our members are sick to death. Vehicle manufacturers Volvo and Land Rover both expect a drop in sales if this continues."
Local pig breeder, Leslie Smith commented, rhetorically,"Did we have crop circles before we twinned with Roswell, if you ask me, there's more to this than meets the eye."

August 21st, 1998

Divorce Down in Wymsey: Latest figures from the NSL, (National Statistics Service) show that the rate of divorce in Wymsey is one of the lowest in the country and has been steadily dropping since 1968. Experts say that this is due to local demographics whilst local people point out two things, that fewer and fewer Wymsonians bother to get married and also that the average age has been steadily rising since 1968, (as someone pointed out in the public bar of the Crown & Thorns late last night, "We're all a load of old gits, we are.")

Wymsey rejects the body politic for Body Poetry: Wymsey Arts Club this week decided to form a Body Poetry Group, Tisha Grandling was asked to be the initial chairperson but it is hoped that this will become a rotating position. It was announced that there is to be a Grand Open Poetry Competition and submissions on the theme of the body are most welcome. Send your effort to Wymsey WAC Body Poetry Competition December 10th 1998. The winner will receive an all expenses paid weekend for two in Wymsey and 20 runners up will each get a copy of Poems From The Body which is to be published in March next year. Read the entries

September 18th, 1998

Poetry Competition Shock Cancellation: It was announced on Wednesday by the Wymsey Arts Club that the Body Poetry Group has decided to disband the Body Poetry Group along with the Poetry Competition. Chairperson Tisha Grandling said that this was due to the high number of obscene and tasteless entries. She also announced the formation of the Insect Poetry Group and that the subject matter of the next competition would be Insect Friends.

October 9th, 1998

Ex super model Torquay, was yesterday arrested by members of Watchester drug squad. Members of the squad hammered on her door at Rosewood Cottage, Wymsey, in the barley hours of Thursday morning.
Sources relatively close to the Squad, said that one of their officers had read the article in the June 12th edition of the Chronicle (see above) and had spent some time thinking about it before deciding to take Miss St. Carlton Es Pernier in for questioning. An unquotable source said, " We sure want to get our hands on her fingerprints." No formal charges had been made at the time of going to press but we fully expect Miss St. Carlton Es Pernier to sue for wrongful arrest.
Since moving to Wymsey Miss St. Carlton Es Pernier has become a favourite with drinkers in the public bar at the Crown & Thorns, Wymsey. Local Leslie Smith, a pig breeder, was indignant on hearing about the arrest, "Is nothing sacred, there's more to this than meets the eye. You can take my word for it." (Ed: we often do.)

November 6th, 1998

Cows to Come Back
to Wymsey Bottom Farm:

Staff reporter, and owner of Wymsey Bottom Farm, Charlie Stebbings told us on Tuesday that he hopes to have cows back on the farm before Christmas. Speaking from his empty milking parlour Stebbings said, "It has been a very hard two years at Wymsey Bottom, our whole herd had to be slaughtered due to BBC disease."

Stebbings is having talks with Colorado Cow Camp and is optimistic about the outcome. "I simply am not prepared to put British cows on my land, it's not the cows it's the government."

Poodle Protest Spawns
Counter Protest:

Pollies Poodle Parlour in Dripping Street, Farthingdale, was yesterday besieged by rival groups of protesters. Ten members of the Poodle Liberation Front (PLF), which campaigns to have parlours closed, waved placards and chanted, "Let Poodles be, let hair grow free." As if from nowhere another group of banner bearing protesters arrived on the scene. This turned out to be the Poodle Parlours Proprietors Association (PPPA) who were heard to be shouting, "Bugger off, Liberal toff."

The temperature rose with the arrival of the Crowd Control Unit (CCU) from Watchester Divisional Crime Squad which included the infamous mounted water cannon unit. Dripping Street was blocked off and members of the public escorted from the area.

The day was saved when the skies opened and everyone went home. Polly Hekkingstien, owner of Pollies Poodle Parlour was treated for shock but later appeared to be unscathed by the incident. "Well, what can you say." she said.

November 16th, 1998

YEAR 2000: WYMSEY - NO WORRIES:ESI Computing, an offshoot of the Edward Stuffe Institute, said that it seemed highly possible that the millennium bug might pass Wymsey by. "You may think I'm a nerd but I kind of know about this thing." Jonathan Thomas, 17 years old and Senior Programmer with ESI told our reporter. Thomas pointed out that the clock in the tower of St Duvet & All Angels was not date dependant. "And you must remember that the WebSpin Management Contortium has been assiduous in applying DateStamp2000 to all sites." He explained that this was a cross platform client/server anti-viral ChronoCorrector application that he had written in conjunction with the C5 development team. Thomas also mentioned that the program was available from the ESI web site as a self-igniting zippo file.

BBC-FREE COWS IN WYMSEY:Farmer & Chronicle reporter, Charlie Stebbings was a happy man this week as he watched the delivery of his BBC-free cattle to Wymsey Bottom Farm. He had personally supervised the importation of the calves from the Colorado Cow Camp in the USA. "It's a great day for the farm and for me and it's one in the eye for the European Covered Market," Stebbings remarked as he plucked a piece of grass to chew, "and, do you know, this is the first bit of grass I've chewn for over two years."

November 20th, 1998

Judge Jails Gerbil: At the Watchester Quarter Sessions, this week, Gerbal Judge Thaddeus Jeffries ordered attractive Gillian Jones, 23, to keep her gerbil, Sampson, caged. Sampson, a Siberian Grey, was not in court to hear the judgment.

The Royal Mail had brought the case to court after one of it's postmen had suffered three broken toes on the drive leading to Jones's house in Church Lane, Wymsey last June. On his shoulder postman Jeremy "Jokey" James was carrying fifty pounds of mail and, on looking up at the Jones residence saw Sampson peeping from behind the maroon velvet curtain of an upstairs window. This caused James to jump with surprise whereupon he tripped forward and although he managed to regain balance it was not before the mailbag had fallen on his left foot breaking three toes. James has been on sick leave since and the Royal Mail sought leave to seek damages both on their and his part. Summing up, Judge Jeffries remarked that James must be a bit of a wimp but that Jones should keep her pets under control. The jury were out three hours before returning a majority guilty verdict. The Judge awarded costs against Sampson & Jones but declined to award damages. A tearful Gillian Jones left the court through a side door and refused to speak to the press and whilst her solicitor put a comforting arm around her waist he waved a copy of the Financial Times in front of photographers with the other. A spokesperson for the Royal Mail indicated that they are unlikely to appeal, that it had been a moral victory and "with Christmas coming up we're all very busy right now."

Miss Pauline Carter, 53, from the Wymsey Gerbil Association who had been in court was quoted as saying, "Why can't they pick on someone their own size, bloody men." as she left the court arm in arm with her friend Christine Smith, 24, a portrait painter based in Watchester.

Prince Charms Wymsey:
Prince CharlesAs part of his fiftieth birthday celebrations and his policy of being more human HRH Prince Charles, eternal heir to the British throne, this week visited Wymsey. As ever, the Prince amused and charmed the people particularly when he joined the row of unemployed cashing their fortnightly dole cheques. "Aye, he's a grand lad," said local Pig breeder, Leslie Smith, after the Prince bought a round in the public bar of the Crown & Thorns, "he found the Winter Brew affecting."

Wymsey Map Cartographers
Capture Wymsey:
This week the definitive Wymsey Map was published by the National Cartography Centre. Local people expressed their surprise and pleasure on seeing the new map which is scaled at eight inches to the mile; detail is impressive. The map was derived from pictures taken by GeoSat7 during passes in June of this year. The map is a spin-off from the Map2000 project managed by the Keep Britain Tidy Group and is financed from the Millennium Fund plus commercial sponsors Snappers Petfoods and GGorkyDouble Glazing.

Local pig breeder, Leslie Smith, was quoted as saying, "Is my small holding really that tidy?"

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