Wymsey - the Archives

December 1998 - January 1999

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December 4th, 1998

Wymsey's Eldest Celebrates: Wymsey Manor Hall was the scene of celebrations yesterday when Wymsey's eldest inhabitant celebrated the passing of another year. tortoise Seemingly unaffected by all the attention heaped upon him, Timtims, the 146 year old Russian Tortoise munched happily on a cos lettuce which proved to be his favourite present.

Timtims was a gift from Tsar Ivanivich to Edward Constance Jones, the builder of Wymsey Manor Hall, in 1854 (What Jones was doing cozying up to the Tsar in Moscow during the Crimea War is explored in "Military Deviants of the Empire" by Major General Barking-Barking.) Jones had a tortarium constructed in the Manor kitchen garden and shortly before his death in 1901 added a codicil to his will that ensured that Timtims would be cared for life. At the same time the deeds to the Manor were altered such that whoever owned the estate was responsible for Timtims, so today it is the Edward Stuffe Institute that cares for Timtims.

Tudor Times at the
Crown & Thorns:
news reached us yesterday of research being carried out into English hostelry by Professor Maggie Bee of the University of Inner Colorado (UIC). Professor Bee has uncovered documentation relating to the opening of the Crown & Thorns, Wymsey during the Tudor period. Speaking from her ranch, Professor Bee expressed great excitement, "I'm so excited," she told us, " and as soon as I calm down I will fax you details of my discovery."

Sam Toogood, present day landlord was quoted as saying that it would be business as usual, "but more of it I hope." Local man of history and retired schoolmaster, John Applegate "We need to be cautious but if this is true, and I'm not saying that it is, it could be quite interesting."

Moped Found:Yesterday William Sortpice, secretary to the Wymsey Navigation Restoration Society announced that a moped had been dredged from the Navigation. It was found by Society Fundraiser, Nance Scroggins. Initially it was hoped by all that this was the stolen moped belonging to Sister Sara O'Hara but this was not the case.

December 11th, 1998

Milk Tomorrow: Farmer, and Chronicle reporter, Charlie Stebbings of Wymsey Bottom Farm yesterday announced that six of his heifers were pregnant. They had been sired by Champion Red Stamper of Turnings Dairy Herd, Boscastle. It is hoped that milk production will begin in the New Year leading to the re-introduction of Wymsey Torque, a strong traditional hard cheese that has not been made for many years.

Helicopter to the Rescue: Once again those brave lads from RAF Watchester have saved the day. After erecting the Wymsey Christmas Tree, a gift from the people of Norway, members of the Wymsey Amateur Radio Club realised that they had not put the fairy on the top. After various attempts involving ladders and ropes it was decided to call the duty officer at RAF Watchester. fairy A Chinook was quickly scrambled which landed on the green in no time. Pilot Captain 'Chocks' Kiddiminster was handed the fairy who passed it to Flight Officer Billy Thames and he, after the helicopter took off, was lowered on a hoist to place the fairy at the top of the tree. A spokes person for RAF Watchester was quoted as saying, " We are always pleased to help the community and Wymsey in particular and Captain Kiddiminster was the obvious choice as he is often away with the fairies - hence his nickname. "

Wymsat1 Launched
for Christmas:
Astronaut Bud Suskins opens up the antenna system of Wymsat1 during a space walk yesterday. Wymsat1 was a joint project between ESL Computing and the Department of Astrophysics at UWAT. Wymsat1 will be used to monitor global Y2K effects and will be fully tested and operational by December 31st 1999.

December 18th, 1998

Bully Boys Shunned: Two boys at Wymsey Infants School are being avoided by the other children after an outbreak of bullying in the playground. William Clayton. already on the 'at risk' list for his precocious interest in underwear and Anthony Blaah, aged 6, were last week detained for bullying the girls and smaller boys.

Until now young Blaah had been a model pupil and was being primed for a place in the School Choir, his parents have said that they are bitterly ashamed of the lad's behaviour, "We feel betrayed." said his father who is Church Warden at St. Duvet & All Angels. Mrs Blaah is being comforted by her family. Jakes Clayton, father of young William is quoted as saying, "What the hell is all the fuss about, it's just good old boyish fun. Gawd when I think of the things I got up to at his age - these nannies would hang me."

Headmaster Martin Bell told the Chronicle that such behaviour cannot be tolerated and that the two boys would be brought before the School Security Committee after the Christmas break "In the meantime, they will be excluded form the School Christmas Party." Child psychologist Doreen Stocks, Professor for the Psychology of International Relations at UWAT told the Chronicle, "This a sad day for the people of Wymsey and marks another insidious step in the downward spiral."

Millennium Decision - it's a Giant Gnome: Wymsey Parish Council yesterday confirmed their choice for the Wymsey Millennium Statement - a 350 high inflatable gnome which is to be funded, at a cost of 250,000, by the Rural2000 Development Fund. The decision which is bound to be controversial was made in a closed session of the Council on Wednesday evening. A press release indicated that competition had been stiff and that an offer by the winning design team, Plastik Fabrik Konstructon GMBH of Duttlehammar, to refurbish the Village Hall had not been a deciding factor.

Plastik Fabrik Kon is one of Europe's leading PVC implementation companies and a spokesperson for the Company told the Chronicle that plans would be made available to the public during January. Asked about the effect upon the Green the Chronicle was informed that a special raised wooden floor would be used to minimize wear and tear. He also told us that the Earth Ecology Unit at the University of Watchester (UWAT) were being asked to carry out an Environmental Impact Assessment as well as a plant analysis so that the Green could be appropriately re seeded early in the Spring of 2001.

Questioned about aircraft from RAF Watchester the spokesperson said that at 100ft intervals there would be a red light at each of the cardinal points of the compass and on top of the Gnome's head.

Construction of the Millennium Gnome will begin in August and it will fully functional in time for the celebrations on New Years Eve, 1999. The Gnome will be deflated on New Years Eve, 2000.

Lights Go On
And Off: Disaster struck at the Grand Xmas Tree Switch-on in Wymsey on Thursday evening. The 365 100watt lights (that's 36.5 kilowatts at a cost of 30 per day) were a tad too much for the Village Hall fuse box which fused to a molten mess and blew the Company Fuses (electricians will know that this is Serious and probably wonder why current trips were not fitted - come on chaps, this is Wymsey).

The emergency team from Northern Gas were quickly - for them - on the scene and the facilities restored.

December 24th, 1998

Christmas Message
Goes Down Well:
Disaster almost struck festivities at St Duvet & All Angels and the Rev as he rehearsed the Annual Christmas Message to be given this year, as an experiment, in the saloon bar of the Crown & Thorns.

The Rev was walking around the garden of the Vicarage, address notes in hand, when he tripped on an uneven paving slab causing him to fall forwards. Instinctively he put out his hands to save himself and came to rest supported by the wall encircling the wishing well. Unfortunately, in the process, the Rev let go of his notes which fell into the well.

The Rev was treated for shock while Church Warden Julius Blaah attempted fruitlessly to retrieve the notes and merely added to the Rev's distress.


Where is Wymsey?: Last Tuesday a coach full of senior citizens on a "Wonders of England" tour failed to arrive in Wymsey and were later found to be in Romsey, Hampshire. It transpired that the coach driver was navigating using the latest GPS (Geo Positioning System) equipment. Investigations by the Department of Astrophysics at the University of Watchester (UWAT) revealed that the GPS maps, which are built into the equipment's memory, do not include Wymsey. Professor Leighton Buzzard told our reporter, Charlie Stebbings, that the map co-ordinates for Wymsey showed the area as open heathland.

Gnome Unveiled Amidst Royals Shock: Millennium GnomeGerman PVC artist Gelda Sprongstein, commissioned by Plastik Fabrik Con GMBH to design the Wymsey Millennium Statement, yesterday revealed her impression of the Gnome. Ms Sprongstein stated that the 356 foot tall Gnome would have a carbon fibre frame and be anchored by 27 half inch (12.5mm) steel guy ropes painted red, white and blue. A 400kw air compressor would be used to maintain inflation and there would be 12 airlocked entrances and exits.

It was also revealed yesterday that no members of the Royal family would be available to open the Millennium Gnome on New Year's Eve 1999, this news was bitterly received by the Parish Council who now have the difficult task of finding a suitable celebrity to perform this important function.

December 31st, 1998

Rotundians' Annual Lecture Praises Plucky Little Iceland: National Rotundian Chairman, BjorkSir Peter Spice, said that Wymsey should look to Iceland as an example in these trying millennial times. Six hundred years of Danish domination during which the population, today some 260,000, were not allowed to sing, dance or play games led to some depression but the national spirit survived. These six hundred years also led to Iceland's most famous, ever, person - Bjork.

Unlike many dominated peoples the Icelanders kept their language and survived on a diet of fish, sagas and sex, with alcohol playing it's part.

Sir Peter pointed out that the British view of Iceland was distorted by the Cod Wars and gun boat diplomacy. The people of Wymsey, he told his rapt audience in the Parish hall, had much in common with their Northern friends - both being somewhat on the edge of things.

He concluded by indicating that he was able, through his company Northern Travel in partnership with Rayon Air, to offer Rotundians exclusive holiday deals in Iceland.

ESI Computing Predicts: Once again, ESI Computing, a off-spin of the Earnest Stuffe Institute, has published it's Annual Computing Predictions:-

January: Cold spell leads to chronic outbreak of freezing in Windows 98 - Mircosoft promises fix in time for Easter.
February: Shortage of Millennium Bug Fixers leads to increase in kidnapping by organised crime who now make more from porn sites on the Web than from drugs.
March: Sales of ESL Computing's Y2OK exceeds all expectations and major CD manufacturers cease production of nonessential pop CDs.
April: Strange happenings on the internet as URL requests often get responses along the lines of " Are you sure?" and "There is a much better site at http://.......... No one is able to trace the source of these communications.
May: British Scientist suggests that the internet now has enough connectivity to begin to become aware of itself.
June: Mircosoft announces fix for Windows 98 freeze-up. Wymsey Management Contortium announces major shake up.
July: Abrasive 4th July virus brings America to a halt - information highway needs re-surfacing.
August: Silly season canceled as panic begins to hit older computer users - doom laden dealers make a bomb.
September: British Government relax landfill regulations as recylers are overwhelmed by discarded computers.
October: Computer technicians earn seven figure salaries and prepare for virtual retirement.
November: Mountain tops world-wide become over populated. More Strange happenings on the internet as URL requests often get responses along the lines of " Are you sure? We don't think it's a good idea" and "We strongly advise that you go to the site at http://.......... No one is able to trace the source of these communications.
December: Earnest Stuffe remains as calm as usual whilst governments world-wide show signs of excessive hysteria. Internet users world-wide find that their browsers no longer respond to requests and 'Favorites' and 'Bookmarks' files have had many URLs erased. Over the New Year period computer systems crash as workers of the world unite and party.

Mad Maize Disease?:A report in a national newspaper, (Guardian, London, December 31st, 1998), that genetic mutilation of maize (sweet corn) was rampant led to panic in the environs today. The report stated "A whistle blower at a major chemical company revealed that genetic material from cattle had been incorporated into a number of plants. While these new strains had enhanced shelf life capabilities, they were later found to be producing prions, the rogue proteins responsible for BSE." We assume that BSE was a typical Guardian typo and should have read BBC.

Local farmer Charlie Stebbings of Wymsey Bottom Farm revealed that his animals were not fed maize whilst local pig breeder, Leslie Smith told us that his corn fed longhorn bantams thrived on his home produced maize and not reading the Guardian.

A Green Giant spokesperson said that the dramatic fall in share value on the Sydney Stock Exchange had more to do with 4X than genetically modified seedstock.

Professor Michael Field of the Earth Ecology Unit at the University of Watchester (UWAT)was unavailable for comment and is believed to be in Belgium with ex-super model Torquay whom he met last year during a crisis in Wymsey.

January 15th, 1999

Church warden in Middle Class Gaffe :Julius Blaah, Julius BlaahChurch warden and Chairperson of Wymsey Parish Council was once again embroiled in controversy after being interviewed on local campus radio station UWAT FM. Asked by interviewer MC Mike how he saw Wymsey developing over the next decade Mr Blaah told listeners, "I have a vision of Wymsey that is increasingly middle class, I see the middle class expanding to encompass us all. We have moved a long way in the past 50 years, it is our mission to move further, each of us has our part." MC Mike, whose mother lives in a council house with a leaking roof, tried to push Councilor Blaah on the issue of rural poverty, Councilor Blaah preferred to attempt to prove how the Wymsey Millennium Statement was indicative of the growth of the middle class in the village.

Confused and confounded we sent reporter Charlie Stebbings onto the streets of Wymsey armed with Mr Blaah's statement to seek the views of village people. Turn to page 23 to see what people had to say.

gnome haters threaten sitdown:"Tacky, tasteless, gnomeinsulting and New Trash" were just some of the descriptions heaped upon the Wymsey Millennium Statement at last week's Parish Council Meeting. Major General Barking-Barking was in apoplectic form and at times had to be physically restrained by fellow Council members, the general and two other Members, John Applegate and Gordon deStompe are fervently opposed to the Gnome. Mr deStompe told the Chronicle, "This is crass, tasteless and typical of the dumbing down Wymsey has been experiencing since this pack of show business obsessed smoothies took control of the Parish. bucket heads What we want is democracy not pvc gnomes."

Mr deStompe informed the Meeting, to loud cheers from the public, that the people of Wymsey had formed NNN (No Nome Nohow), sic, and were prepared to take their protest to the village green where they would encamp to prevent construction of the gnome.

gnome badge NNN Ribbon Editor's note: The Wymsey Chronicle normally bends over backwards to remain neutral on controversial local issues but in this instance the Editor and Board cannot but agree that the Parish Council's chosen way of celebrating the Millennium is tacky, an obscene waste of money and an insult to the intelligence of us all.

May we also inform readers that certain, off the record, threats have been made to this newspaper concerning our access to certain sources of information and advertising revenues. We will not be intimidated! In fact, we will be putting the full might of our resources behind the NNN campaign.

LATE BREAKING: NNN have taken their protest to the Internet: NoNomeNohow, sic

Finnish Flu Floors Chronicle: Last week's edition of the Wymsey & District Chronicle could not be put to bed because 97% of the staff were already there due to the latest strain of Finnish Influenza. Charlie Stebbings, Rachel Ward from Sales and Patricia Bluff, canteen manager and cleaner were the only employees to remain untouched by the bug. Luckily, though not for them, most of our readers were sick in bed also.

Lighthouse Owner Sees Cliff Fall:Mrs Gladys Swain, owner of the Old Lighthouse, Stonely Head, Dorset was in Wymsey this week to look at the restoration work being carried out on the Wymsey Navigation. As she was walking along the towpath Mrs Swain noticed a man walking ahead of her. "He looked to be late middle aged and kind of vague looking - he was intermittently swotting the reeds with a tennis racket. I hung back as I don't like meeting strange men. cliff richardAs I watched he seemed to trip over something on the towpath and fall flat on his face, coming closer I was surprised to see that it was 60's pop idol Cliff Richard looking as young as ever although he did have a nose bleed."

Sir Cliff's nose was treated by Nance Scroggins who is Fundraiser and first aider for the Wymsey Navigation Restoration Society. A Society working party was busy dredging at the time of the incident. After treatment Mr Richards was sent on his way.

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