November 12 th 1998
I have been requested by the Board of Governors to point out the BBC is not a disease that can cross from one species to another. The Chief Medical Advisor to HM Government has said so.
Department of Customer Relations
The British Broadcasting Corporation, London
Did you know that Manfred Mann has his own web site - bet you didn't, it's at
http://www.manfredmann.co.uk- great stuff ?
Can your readers help me? I am trying to trace an old friend, Emily Zildos, who I last saw in Pimlico, London, 16 years ago. She was on her way to the summer solstice festival at Glastonbury Tor which I have reason to believe she attended but I have not seen her since. Everywhere I go the first thing I do is dash to a telephone box to check the directory but this has proved unhelpful because they don't put directories in phone boxes anymore. I am afraid that it has driven me quite mad.
Susan Van Der Barnhoff,
Pretoria, S. Africa.
November 20 th
So Mr Simon Artsease seeks to allay our unease over BBC disease by quoting a government medical officer, well I for one am not allayed. Look how scurvy traveled around the world, did Lord Nelson listen to the Kings doctors? No. he did not. I rest my case.
The Fruit Basket
November 27 th
I wish to point out that HRH Charles, Prince of Wales, was not queuing for his dole cheque when he visited Wymsey Post Office last week. He was actually purchasing a first class stamp.
Miss Edith Chomsky
I wish to state that I find the comments of Major-General Barking-barking offensive and hurtful. I would have expected something more civilised from one of his rank, although perhaps not given his background.
Bertram B Nails,
This correspondence must cease: Ed
I have instructed by the Chairman of the Board of Governors to respond to the missive from Kingsley Smith of the Fruit Basket published last week. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, I wonder what Mr Smith has been eating.
Department of Customer Relations
The British Broadcasting Corporation, London
This too must cease: Ed
December 7 th
I hope that you will indulge me in respect to readers' letters concerning the high speed transportation of cattle. As Head of the Earth Ecology at UWAT I am currently over seeing the first detailed research into bovine transportation, this has been made possible by a grant from the European Applied Science Foundation (EASE) and is fully supported by NASA.
Professor Michael Field,
The Earth Ecology Unit,
University of Watchester.
We thought that your readers might be interested to know that Timtims, the Russian Tortoise, has gone into hibernation - a sure sign that winter is upon us.
May we also take the opportunity to thank all those of your readers who sent birthday greetings to Timtims on the occasion of his 146 th birthday.
Earnest Stuffe Institute
Wymsey Manor Hall.
December 14 th
So the RAF were playing games with fairies and helicopters (Chronicle, last week), do you realise how much it costs to fly one of those things - it's outrageous! As a taxpayer I must protest most emphatically and will be writing to my MP as well as the Minister for Defence.
Micheala A Retentif.
December 20 th
Concerning the bullying at Wymsey Infant school, I for one am with Jakey Clayton on this one. These lads will grow up to make dam good soldiers.
Major General Barking-Barking,
What is it with Mr Brian Speedwell? Does he not realise the importance of being prepared to deal with the unknown disasters that will occur on and after January 1st, 2000. Wymsat1 is crucial to preparedness. As chief programmer to the project, and vastly experienced in Y2K issues I know what I'm talking about and people like Mr Speedwell will rue the day he belittled the work of ESI Computing and UWAT.
Earnest Stuffe Institute,
Has Wymsey Parish Council gone bonkers? A Millennium Gnome - what's the message? And as for the use of PVC - I give up.
As Public Relations Officer for RAF Watchester may I express, through your venerable organ, how hurt we all were by the comments of Mr. Retentif in last weeks Chronicle. Our pilots do not play with fairies, we are in the serious business of preparing to defend this realm against envious invaders should the occasion ever arise. In the meantime we need to train and events like the placing of the Christmas Fairy on the Wymsey Christmas Tree provide unique training scenarios. So, Mr. Retentif, just lay off.
Group Captain Gordon Goring
December 27 th
With regard to Mad Maize Disease, it's all very well for farmer Charlie Stebbings and small holder Leslie Smith to reassure us about their livestock but it's nowhere as simple as that. What about custard? What about gravy browning? Both of these products depend on corn starch, will they now have added prions? No Sir, this is a thing too far. Who cares about the jolly green giant what we want is prionless custard.
Ethel M Nails (Mrs),
Nice to see a picture of Bjork in you crusty old organ - isn't she great! I wish she went to the Youth Club. My dad says she'd be very welcome to have a drink in our pub if she was ever over here and got homesick.
Simon Toogood, age 13,
These politicians! After all that sanctimonious stuff from the likes of Councilor Blaah "New Parish" "New Wymsey" "New Compass Points" "New Daz", etc, his own son is shown to be a bully - funny that! And now he's off down the well - funny how the press were there. Well I for one won't be voting in the Wymsey Parish Elections come May.
May I, through the columns of your excellent newspaper, draw readers' attention to the plight of slugs this winter. They are in a difficult position due to the very wet and mild weather, mild enough to allow many more slugs to survive but not warm enough to allow an increase in the growth of succulent green stuff.
What can we do to help the slugs in their plight? What we do is sprinkle lettuce and cabbage leaves around our garden, you can also use apple cores and potato peelings.
What is it with the people of Wymsey, they are so ungrateful. The Parish Council are working very hard to make the Millennium special. These damp squids make me mad.
Maureen D'Earth, Wymsey.
Readers may not be aware that Mrs Maureen D'Earth is the sister of the wife of Councilor Julius Blaah and that this is the only letter we have received in favour of the Millennium Gnome. ED.
Well done the Chronicle! The NNN is right on - we don't want that sort of rubbish on the Green. I for one will be joining the protest camp if and when it is set up.
The Wymsey Workers Party,
PO Box 22,
I wish to say how much I resent your ridicule of Sir Cliff Richard (Wymsey Chronicle, January 15th). He is a good man and you are perverse - If I were him I would give Wymsey a wide berth in future.
The Chronicle does not ridicule, we merely report the facts as we see them. If Sir Clifford declines to visit Wymsey I'm sure we will all survive - Ed.
Can your readers help me? I am trying to trace an old friend, Susan Van Der Barnhoff, who I last saw in Pimlico, London, 16 years ago. I was on my way to the summer solstice festival at Glastonbury Tor and she went off to catch a tube to Mornington Crescent and I have not seen her since. Everywhere I go the first thing I do is dash to a telephone box to check the directory but this has proved unhelpful because they don't put directories in phone boxes anymore. I am afraid that it has driven me quite mad.
My father and I would like to communicate our absolute horror and dismay at the Wymsey Parish Council's plans to erect a 350 ft gnome as part of the Millennium celebrations. The phrase "tasteless in the extreme" springs to mind. We sincerely hope that the No Nomes Nohow candidates prevail at the council elections in May. We do understand that the Millennium Gnome would provide a valuable tourist attraction - every idiot from miles around with an air rifle will flock to see it. Indeed, my father already has his flight booked, should the plans go ahead. But we feel that a giant PVC gnome is hardly likely to attract the sorts of tourists likely to appreciate the thriving and complex village culture existing in Wymsey.
Nice to see our antipodean cousins taking an interest in the old country - Ed.
February 7 th
May I protest at the attitude of the
NNN representative Gordon deStompe - surely we must bury our differences in order to further our common political aims. I don't want to get personal but.
Kevin Stash, Wymsey Workers Party.
This correspondence must cease: Ed
Soft in the head or what? An orphanage to enable homeless sheep to "achieve their potential" what the hell does that mean? I am flabbergasted, what is a sheep's potential - to realise sheepness? I'll have mine with mint sauce please.
I have read your columns and cannot understand a damn thing you are talking about. Here in the United States we pride ourselves in our precise, concise, incisive, and in-other-stuff language. No wonder you blokes lost the colonies. And your queen has a dog with little stumpy legs that walks just like she does.
President,Chamber of Commerce,
two languages separated by common people? Ed.
February 14 th
May I correct an error that crept into last weeks Chronicle. The name of our Company is W.O.Z. Bangle Productions (formerly Kinship, Cousin & Co.) We would also protest at the way your organ has tried to drag MC Mike through the mire. This is not what we have come to expect from the Chronicle which is famed for it's pedantic addiction to accuracy.
Rupert B Bearing,
We would like to thank you for the most informative visit that our class made to your paper last week, we particularly like the lad with blonde hair in the graphics department. We usually hang about the Green on Saturday afternoons (if it's not raining) because we get really bored in Wymsey. The Wymsey Chronicle is really wicked and bad.
Sharon Spalding, Gemma Jerribaum and Sandra Smythe-Wadlington
Watchester School For Girls.
I read with wry interest your article on genetically modified foods and can only put it down to millennium fever. What is all the fuss about? Are we not all here as the result of a continuous train of genetic experiments - it matters not one iota that the main player this time is not God but an American multi national agro-chemical conglomerate who has bought the Whitehouse and Downing Street.
Professor Ian Darccloud,
United Nuclear Renderers PLC.
We must protest at the uninformed rubbish concerning alleged genetic modifications to Councilor Julius Blaah published in the last edition of the Chronicle. There is no way that plant genes, modified or not, can spontaneously cross the plant/mammal barrier - you can take our word for that. Whatever is happening to Councilor Blaah has it's origins elsewhere.
In passing, we have to say that we can manage quite well without the support of the nuclear industry (letters last week) for the proof is in the pudding - our products are fully tested, over and over again, and are completely safe.
CEO UK, Montantrum Biotics Inc UK.
Concerning the identities of MC Mike, Ilkley Moore & Woody Allen. A superficial glance may well suggest that these three (see last week's Chronicle) are one and the same. On closer inspection (we used the GenRad SpectroResonograph) this can easily be seen not to be the case.
Dr Stephen Graftverk, Institute Of Resonics,
We once again have an opportunity to exercise our democratic duty - on Thursday, March 4th the electors of Wymsey will be asked to vote for three places on the Parish Council. Remember a vote now could save tears later.
VoteWatch UK, Chipping Sodbury.
March 2nd, 1999
I am writing to inform you that I am cancelling my order for the Chronicle forthwith. As a family, we used to look forward to your paper's arrival each Friday morning but no more, oh no! A once informative and entertaining publication has become a hotbed of politics and intrigue under it's present editorship. From now on we will be relying on the Wymsey Free Adds.
your in disgust,
Readers might like to know that Mr Portland is married to Cnr. Blaah's elder sister Betty whose son Jimmy owns the Free Adds of which Cnr Blaah is a director.
What is this stuff you guys have with me? Who is the guy MC Mike? The hell he looks like me.
Keep up the good work! My wife, Fluella, and I can hardly wait for Friday mornings since we came to Wymsey. Your approach is just about perfect.
This jumping gypsum thing gives me the jitters and I'm finding it really hard to sleep at night. I wonder if any of your readers find themselves in a similar position - maybe we should get together. I would be happy to co-ordinate.
Selina Chunook (Miss),
April Ist, 1999
This morning whilst liquefying my compost heap I'm sure that I heard the tofu call. Is this a record?
I have been asked by my Government to sturdily protest at the anti-Canadian tone of your recent article concerning sleep deprivation and, in particular, your desecration of our National Flag by the replacement of the maple leaf by a bunch of Bananas. That was not a very nice thing to do.
For your information Professor Ganglion emigrated to Canada from Essex, England in 1980. My first secretary says that your newspaper is tacky and I have to say that I tend to agree with her.
John B McSloop,
Canadian Cultural & Forestry Commission,
April 20 th
We, at the Belgian Cultural & Lace Centre, feel impelled to informed you that there is no such entity as the "Walloon Underground" as mentioned in the Wymsey Chronicle - it is pure invention. Belgium is a very happy, if somewhat corrupt and inefficient, country and we resent the implication that either the Walloons are unhappy or that they have their own transit system. It just is not true.
As to your Councilor Julius Blaah if he is under arrest in Belgium be assured that there is good reason - our policemen are wonderful.
Pette Jacque Paine,
Director of Culture & Lace,
The Belgic Experience,
Why don't you have more articles about the aliens that are invading the earth. I have seen many of them working on street and road repairs, and some others are Methodists, too. Soon, it will be too late to stop them because all the roads will be torn up and when we try to escape, the roads will be closed and the aliens will grab us and commit the most heinous acts upon our bodies, if we are good.
Alienation is not a feature of Wymsey - Ed.
Just to say that I saw plenty of Monarch Butterflys whilst holidaying at the Greater Chicago Butterfly House & Museum. In my opinion Professor Field is on a wild goose chase.
Professor M Bee,
University of Inner Colorado (UIC).
I have been instructed by Chilean Foreign Office to formerly protest at the dragging of El Presidente into your disreputable publication. Be warned we will take action at the highest (and lowest) level.
Don Edwardo Bolivar,
Chilean Cultural Council & Wine Merchants,
Just to let you know we've got your numbers, telephone number, fax number, email address and credit card details. So, just lay off the President. It may a holiday here but it sure won't be in Wymsey unless you get your head down, remember Haiti!
Gabriel S Shinkicker,
The Oval Office,
The White House
We'd rather think of Cuba Mr Shinkicker. Ed.
How nice to see the mentions of
Grintlers in the your paper. I was one for sixty years and learnt my trade in Shropshire before the war with Hitler and I guess that we are a dying breed - not so much call for Grintles these days. By the way did you know that they are called Grindles in Scotland and Grundles in Canada?
I write on behalf of weasels everywhere but particularly the Wymsey weasels (or weazels). Are your Readers aware that the Glasgow Dingo now resides in Wymsey? A Scots breeder has recently moved into Church Lane and intends to propagate these vicious animals in the environs. The Glasgow Dingo has no place in the natural order of things and only exists on a whim. We think this activity should be stopped and call upon the Parish Council to take action.
Ethel M Nails,
Thank you for this opportunity to reply to the Wymsey Vegetarians - poor wee things. As a newcomer to Wymsey I denna ken what's shaken that Ethel M Nails' sporran but I suspect that's she's a wee bit of beef short of a roast dinner. Ach, the
Glasgow Dingo is baby of a beastie and wouldna harm a fly.
If Bonnie Prince Charlie had had a pack of my beasties instead of those darn cocky little spaniels who knows what would have happened. I can take stick along with the next person but the Glasgow Dingo is a poor wee defenseless beastie and I shall stand up for them even if I have to die in the process. Och, you'll be thinking I'm going over the top but we Scots believe in putting our wares on show, d'ye ken?
Flora McFlora of Clan McFlora
Glasgow Dingo Breeder
It's dam wet here in the Valleys, a dank dew dropping, tangle tumbling, swish swish swosh of a sulky sunless Sunday but that's the valleys for you boyos. Since we moved back here see, we miss the tumble tish tosh trash of the Chronicle of a sun freckled fish fresh Friday morning as Mother slish slush sloshes the pearly porridge pan. Down here all we have is the LLaccllannpool Messenger. So what about it my boys, look you, what we need is for you to mail us your estimable publication. That way I get to look out for the slip slap, stip step stap of paternally challenged Jones the Post.
Another excellent issue, but a bit short in its coverage of native-American affairs. We still have to depend on the Briarhop Bulletin for that.
July 27 th
What are you up to? Can't a girl go up Wymsey Hill escorted by the Chairman of the Parish Council without Wymsey weasels getting their spy glasses out? (See
Wymsey Chronicle, July 23rd.) Be jez, if we were over the water my cousins would have been 'round to see you by now.
In America, we do not have all these little squabbles and battles and provincialism. We have a president who always keeps his mind and pants open to new ideas. I suggest you people in the old world think about that.
Elliot "Buddy" Dargusch
US of A
Life must get pretty dull out there in Ohio - Ed.
What the hell is up with Ms Kallinthrop? Every time I come across her she is ranting. Now she has it in for the Wymsey Beauty Contest (story). Come off it!
I Have been instructed by my Presente to inform you that there is no revolution occurring in the Island Republic of Corodos nor will there ever be. We are a happy people and content too. The so-called Corodos Liberation Front (FLC) is a collection of scruffy drop-outs intent on destroying our nations harmony. The people of South Island are not at all jealous of North Island - our policy of separate development works well.
What we do not need is the kind of misinformed verbiage that has recently appeared in your newspaper. We think that it would be in your best interests to be careful.
The Embassy of Corodos
We have a number of complaints from the embassies of a number of friendly countries, these include Belgium, Canada, Chile, Corodos, Finland, Iceland and the USA - including the states of Ohio, Arkansas and Colorado. These complaints all refer to your internet based newspaper - the Wymsey Chronicle - and it's provocative content .
In the friendliest way possible, we suggest that you and your staff take a holiday - we think that it would be good for you and the international relations of Her Majesty's Government.
British Foreign & Commonwealth Office,
October 20 th
Got to hear about your plans for independence and thought that you might like to use the services of Quontock Umbra Uniforms. We supply all sorts of uniforms to all sorts of people and nations, we keep high stock levels. At the moment we have a fantastic range of historic military uniforms - mostly only used once for a local production of HMS Pinafore. Let us know your requirements.
Good on you boyos! It's great here in Wales now we have our own parliament and Sheep Minister, if you need any help with the ins and outs, etc, we'll pop down the M4 and lend a hand.
Taff 'Toffee' Jones-Bach
I have to say that the latest happenings in Wymsey are beyond reason and are bound to lead to tears and a thousand one village states. Look at the Swiss with their canteens, do you want this great country to end up like that? My greatest fear is that you do. I would advise your villagers to come to their senses before it is too late. We English are very patient and tolerant people but in all things there are limits.
Sarah Timplekins-Blaah (Lady)
The Spa House
Whoa boy! When you guys get going you sure get going and I thought that you Brits were so laid back that you often forgot to get up of a morning. BTW, out here in Ohio we have always gone our own way. IMHO you are on to a good thing but watch the old blood pressure and your back - we haven't trusted the Brits for some time :o) If you need any help you can count on us.
Jimbo Corngrower Jrn.
Dead Lake Bottom
Little Creek City
We have come to hear about your stand on the upcoming war with our country and, as a typical Frenchman, I am moved to pen this missive and if I were there I would give you a big hug and a kiss on each cheek.
Anyway must dash as I have to shoot a few starlings.
Greetings from downunder! Just downed 27 stubbies - not bad for midmorning! Me old gal has just gone down to the billabong with that Katie Jumpdown but I ain't planning to let that get me down. Lost 300 lambs this year due to downdrop - just dropped down dead they did. So it was a blessing to come a cross a reference to you battle with the Brits in the Kooldownabong Weekly Spinner. So now I plan to download your paper each week so I can cheer from down here in the Antipodes.
Take it or leave it, as we say.
Dear Editor ,
My father and I would like to send our support to the people of Wymsey in their struggle for independence. As you may not know - or even care - Australia will is holding a referendum on Friday to decide whether or not the country will become a republic. Since it looks increasingly unlikely that the republicans will achieve the required majority, we will do our best for Wymsey independence by keeping prominent republicans well out of the way.
We understand that the fox hunting season has begun in the UK ("the unspeakable chasing the uneatable" as Oscar Wilde once said), so the people of Wymsey may shortly have an opportunity to put their positions directly to members of the so-called ruling class as they leap over hedges and fall into the Wymsey Navigation.
Viva le republique!
I don't understand the bigotry expressed by many of your readers and the NNN against Gnomes. Gnomes have a unique and beautiful culture that would benefit Wymsey and the residence thereof. I for one welcome the Gnomes with
Friend of Gnomes,
We would like to correct a comment about fox hunting made in a recent letter to the Chronicle by an Australian writer. Wymsey Vegetarians successfully campaigned against fox hunting many years ago. As local people will know there has not been a fox hunt in Wymsey since 1967. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for
tofu hunting and that is a battle we shall fight.
Ethel M Nails,
How nice to see support for gnomes in the Chronicle after a year of nastiness. We have twenty gnomes in our garden, each one has a different coloured waistcoat and they look wonderful standing around the edge of the pool. One of them has a little windmill in his back and, when the wind is in the right direction, his fishing rod goes up and down.
Another Gnome Lover
Ms Cathy Ratkiss (Chronicle, Nov. 19th) has hit the nail on the head - how right she is! It is shame that we did not have her input during the occupation of the village green, that would have put the cat among the pigeons and no mistake. All I can say is that it's a pity that we don't have someone like her in the village.
Hello Boyo! Its me again, Dai Jones from LLaccllannpool. It's still drip drip down drenching here as ever. Just had to raise myself to write to you after reading about that nice gnome lady from Arkansas, she has her heart in the right place that one - you can see that boyo. You want to get her on your staff, I bet she would give your paper an American perspective. Me, I'd buy two copies I can tell you boyo.
As an avid Antipodean online reader of your fine organ I have to say that I was so pleased to see someone hit out against your gnomophobia. Here we stand (mostly) on the edge of a new Millennium heralding an age of universal tolerance, love and goodwill and there you are. I, for one, say to Ms Cathy Ratkiss, "Good on ya, cobba, have a 4X on me."
Technically, is a gnome still a gnome if it stands at over 300 feet high? While I oppose gnomophobia in general, it strikes me as a very sensible reaction to be afraid of something that tall. Especially with the paperboys being what they are. I know one who garden gnomes with a single throw of the newspaper.
If you have comments, feelings or views please send them to