January 1st, 2000
I have followed, from a distance, your newspapers blatant attacks on various helpless countries such as Belgium but in the current and Christmas issues you have gone too far. So, I give you one warning and one warning only, don't ridicule Mechanicsburg, Penn. We grow them tall and mean in this town, this is no place for lace.
Selerac P. TramplSkeem, Town Clerk,
Home of the National Spanner Museum.
I notice that you have been giving a lot of coverage to gnomes lately. Gnomes are not the only diminutives that deserve exposure and I would expect a publication of your standing to ensure fair coverage.
I notice that you have been forced to go metric from the next issue and appreciate your assurances but I, like many, subscribe to the Wymsey Chronicle online and wonder if my internet browser will be metric compliment. Currently I am using Internet Explorer 4 but would even be prepared to install Linux rather than not be able to read the Chronicle. By the way I don't know anything about computers.
Sam: I am assured by ESI Computing that even IE4 is capable of rendering a metric Chronicle.
You had a writer write you from "Dringle Cottage". I was just wondering where the "Dringle Cottage" comes from and how it got its name. The writer was Flora McFlora of Clan McFlora.
I don't know where it is or what it is. Could you please help me. See my last name is DRINGLE! So I was just wondering.
Thanks for your help.
How heartily I agree with Major General Barking-Barking in the last issue of the Chronicle. Tofu is a menace both in the countryside and, increasingly, in the urban environment and anything that can be done to rid us of this menace is to be welcomed.
The Chertsey Hunt,
As Chief Scientist at the Department of Metrification may I use the good offices of your excellent newspaper to put the record straight concerning mass and weight? Mass is "is a physical quantity expressing the amount of matter in a body. It is a measure of a body's resistance to changes in velocity and also of the force experienced in a gravitational field." According to the theory of relativity these are equal.
Weight, on the other hand, is something one throws around or pulls and as we no longer have an empire imperiosity is not appropriate. Just remember that a kilogram bag of sugar used to be 2.2 pounds and you can't go wrong.
Dr. Geraldine Gwentower,
Am I the only one who is sick to death of those jonnies in London telling us what to do? Yesterday I went into the General Store for a pound of carrots only to be told that I had to have kilograms! Is it safe to eat anything these days, I wonder. The sooner we break away from England the better I say!
Wymsey Male Outdoor Formation Dance Team,
"Dancing for a better village."
With respect to Dr. Royson Harts, he is wrong about the Sunstone. I am a well-respected canine portrait artist, working in paint, clay and stone, and can tell you that the so-called "Sunstone" is a dog. Dogs are, of course, sacred to Diana and the moon.
Thus you do not have a "Sunstone" here at all. What you have is a "moonstone" with a missing half. Dogs are symbolically sacred to the moon and are typically depicted in pairs. If you examine the stone, you will see that if you had an opposing duplicate of it so that the two stone dogs were set up nose to nose, the interior hole would be in the shape of a heart and would serve as a portal of sorts to the true way, both symbolically and literally. I would think if one made an examination, one would find that the portal looks upon some sort of sacred path, at least that's what my scholarly researches (I happen to have been a student of Dr. Royson's brother, Poyson, who is also an expert in the archaeological field, studying briefly with him through a university extension course during which we participated in a dig which sadly didn't divulge the anticipated result) would leave me to conclude, as the not-well-known canine-stones always have to them this feature. I must tell you this is quite exciting as these stones tend to be rather rare and I do wonder what you would find if you followed the path! Please, do consider contacting Dr. Poyson Harts!
Irene De Mandible,
We wish to state publicly through the offices of your excellent publication that we will not be sending or opening any valentines cards this year. They are demeaning to sender and recipient and an excuse for confusion, heartbreak and isolation. Give a thought to those poor people who never receive one of these tokens of so called affection.
These cards exploit the lovelorn and are the product of male-dominated, profit driven, enterprises and are not the innocent bit of fun that men claim them to be. It has been said that women freely like to send and receive these objects but that is due to centuries of exploitation by men.
Jilly Rosebud Ms),
I am an Australian sand poet and bring order to chaos which is more than your newspaper does. I came across a reference to you in an article on psycho pathology in the media so had to take a look. I think you need help.
Sheep farm Ridge,
What a sad life that Jilly Rosebud must lead, heck what's wrong with a bit of fun. Maybe that chair has made her dizzy. What she needs is a good night out.
I read that our postmistress is now seeing a Jungian - about time too. Out with the complexes and in with the archetypes! Much more appropriate to the third millennium.
Lower Church Lane,
As an emeritus university professor of Music I am appalled by a lack of a cultural section in the
Chronicle. What has happened to the motherland of Byrd, Beecham, and the Beatles? Every US hamlet has minimally an occasional maiden lady's recital of piano students or a performance of Pomp and circumstance at the annual high school graduation. Please advise.
Prof. B. B. B. Tonesmith,
Dept. of Culture, Smithtonian Institute,
Washington, D. C.
PS. School plays and choir rehearsals are NOT noteworthy.
We seem to have lost the two people we sent to look over Wymsey. Have you seen them? Should you sight any of our people roaming your streets looking dazed please have them call MeoMum.Thank you so much. I will be in touch as soon as our lost members turn up.
0. A . Meomum
It was with utmost horror and an overwhelming sense of foreboding that I read in your last issue of Julius Blaah's intention of standing in this years Parish Elections. We cannot let him succeed and we can assure your readers that he will not be standing for the Old Tory's. Indeed, our Chairman has written to inform Mr Blaah that as from today he is no longer a member of our Party.
Group Captain Peter Manglestone,
Wymsey Old Tories.
I am sure that I am not alone when I say that I am totally confused by your relationship with England. On one hand you are constantly running down the British Government by calling it the English one, on the other I see that you are running a campaign for Mr Ken Livingstone who is a candidate for Mayor of London. What is going on?
I am worried. It is now Easter and I have not heard a single tofu - have they all been shot? Maybe your readers can enlighten me.
Old Badger Dean Estate
I see that you have some kind of affinity with Mechanicsburg, Ohio and some other Mechanicsburgs. Is this really necessary?
Dr Peter Parker
My father and I were wondering whether the people of Wymsey were aware of the plight of the Japanese tofu? While its Wymsey cousin roams free in the woods, the Japanese tofu is limited to ever-shrinking areas of natural habitat and regularly culled for so-called "scientific research", which involves being sliced up and sold in shops for exorbitant amounts of money. This is in blatant disregard of the International Tofu Commission regulations, which bans the killing of tofu except where it forms a significant part of the traditional diet. I am surprised, with its outstanding record of placing social and environmental concerns to the forefront of its international policy, that the tofu question has not led to a severing of relations with Japan.
By the way, is there any truth to the rumour that Dah Dits cough drops may be replacing the Australian tofu on our nation's coat of arms?
My browser's nether eye was caught by an allusion to the Wymsey Male Outdoor
Formation Dance Team and I can only urge that some snaps of the lads grace your pages. I have a deep interest in male dance teams and have been a willing participant in many a scramble. I'm assuming, of course, that their kit is snug and in good repair? Perhaps some close-ups could assure us of this?
Philo T Codsease
After the International Tofu Commission's shameful failure to back the proposal for a tofu sanctuary, we have declared our backyard a safe haven for migrating tofu. Food, drink and a warm tofu perch are available to tofu wanting to rest during their long migration. All we ask is they keep the noise down, and don't annoy the neighbours.
Am I the only one person who thinks that WymFest 2000 is a waste of public money? At a time when standards are falling all over the place there are far more important things to which our public energies and funds could be directed. Take the younger generation, why only the other day I had an email from a 16 year old poet who said that I was a sad old git, or something to that effect. Who is educating them is what I ask. And the music they listen to - have you heard it? Thumping great electronic beats at least 60 decibels over the threshold of pain and the drugs. Then there's that gangster rapster stuff and they wear those trainers all the time, bet they all have athletes feet. They all think sex is something you get once all your baby teeth have fallen out - wasn't like that in my time, for a start I still have one of my baby teeth which just goes to show how innocent we were back then. Before the television!
Mrs Wendy Wallington,
I write concerning the Wymsey Navigation. As far as I can tell it has been in a state of restoration since 1988 - is this someone's tax dodge? If not can somebody tell me when I will be able to paddle my canoe up and down it?
I just wanted to say to the woman who thinks WymFest is a waste of time and money -- ARE YOU BONKERS?!? WymFest is the greatest morale boost our village has each year. It brings together folk from all walks of life, the Granny Turnipseeds of the village, the Rosalies and the high class types like Woody Woodrow. Scholars, professionals, and regular lay people all come together as one during the festival.
Come on, woman, join the fun!
I am sick and tired and fed up to the teeth with this tea and sympathy for tofu, of which there seems to be a plague - that's sympathy not tofu. Every Friday I read my Chronicle and what do I find? Tofu, tofu, tofu. yesterday I was went over to read the Parish Notice Board and every darn idiot from here Kracatogo had something to say about it. Well, I for one have had enough.
Thank yous to the WymFest 2000 organisers for declaring the event a Japanese tofu-free one. If more people like yourselves took action, their Japanese brethren would soon be living without fear of people in lab coats holding test tubes.
It's me, Leslie Smith, what's writing. Don't usually have time for this kind of thing what with the small holding and having to keep them promiscuous female tourists off me back but this time me goat has been got by that Maureen Ailing, her what hasn't been the same since the chapel closed in 1953. I know it's a free country and all that but give us a break lady, if you don't like it hard cheese is what I says.
I write to complain about remarks that have been made about General Barking-Barking in some quarters. The General is a fine old gentleman, if a little deaf - who isn't in these godam noise ridden days when so called music is blaring out at you round every corner.
Something needs to be done about this menace before something drastic is needed.
Well done Boyos! It may be raining here in the valleys but the sun shines on Wymsey. We haven't looked back since we got our own parliament
Watch out for that State Council though, they can get a bit out of hand. I'm looking forward to the recounts in the elections in May.
What is it with your publication, always picking on England? Such an heroic and stoic country you would to have travel a long way to find, it's people are wonderful and the policemen smile. In my day this kind of thing would have been stamped on firmly.
Rev Gaston Stackpoll-Witherington,
May I be the first to congratulate Wymsey on breaking away from the English? Probably not. It must be very exciting to be trail blazing, I wonder what history will have to say? If anything.
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