the Wymsey & District Chronicle


letters to the editor, 2001.


please note that these letters are in chronological order.


January 1st, 2001
Dear Sir,
As we enter the new millennium I would ask all your readers to join with us and forsake eating flesh as I and my husband did many years ago. Our lives have been enhanced and yours' may be too. To you married women I have this good news: vegetarian men are more easy to control than their meat eating brothers, their urges less well defined.
yours,
Ethel M Nails
Wymsey Vegetarians,
Wymsey.


Dear Editor,
May I draw your readers' attention to WymFest 2001? The coming festival will build on the overwhelming success of WymFest 2000. To reflect our new micro-state status the State Council have decided that this years festival will be called WymFest Expo 2001.

For those that were unable to attend last years event you may get some idea of WymFest by visiting WymFest 2000.
yours,
Chuston Mantler,
WymFest Working Party,
The State Hall,
Wymsey.


Sir,
We most heartedly protest at the State Council's decision to ban Surf's Mobile Fish 'n Chips Van within the boundaries. We loves fish n' chips of a Friday night after a hard weeks work with a couple of bottles of Winter Brew. A simple pleasure. The excuse that Surf's van is depleting the ozone layer is, to our way of thinking, spurious. This action does not bode well for the future.
Regards,
Branston & Tanya Jones,
Elizabeth Barrett Browning Avenue,
Lower Wymsey.


January 7 th.
Dear Editor,
I have served this community for many years as a church warden, parish councillor and businessman. I am aware that I not always been popular but I have always had the well being of Wymsey close to my heart. Recent events, the so-called independence and elevation of the Parish Council to 'State Council', have left me angry and bemused.
Things have gone to far and I am sure that I am not alone in thinking so, the time has come for action. I ask all like minded people to contact me and work towards the unification of Wymsey with England, the return of the Parish Council and some resemblance of sanity to the environs.
I propose the formation of a new political party, the Wymsey Reunification Party, WUP will be the natural home of all sane people who wish to see the return of the calm atmosphere that existed before this current bunch ex-hippies sniffed power.
yours,
Julius Blaah
Wymsey.


January 14 th
Sir,
I am appalled and insulted that you misspelled my name not once, but twice in your recent article about the "incident" at the Vatican City.
Additionally, you reported a one-sided, obviously biased report of what happened. Upon receiving the request from Mr. Surf, I thoroughly researched the situation, Wymsey's policies and cultural traditions, our position within the Vatican community and relationships thereto, and developed the plan which is now in practice, as described in your article. This was not a haphazard "result." As a result of the rumours started by your reporters, my email has been disconnected at Wymsey. This is an outrage. In light of your obvious error in reporting and the negative results, therefore I expect a full apology in the next issue of the Chronicle.
Rosalie McLain,
Wymsey Ambassador to the Vatican,
Vatican City,
Italy.

If by 'one sided' the ambassador refers to the laughable dietary nonsense peddled by said Surf then it's more than my jobs worth to repeat them in such an esteemed newspaper as the Wymsey Chronicle. Nice to get a letter from Italy though. The Editor.


Sir,
We once again find ourselves most heartedly protesting at the State Council's decision to ban Surf's Mobile Fish 'n Chips Van. Now it's from the Embassy in Vatican City, this surely must be a sin - depriving the Pope of fish and chips of a Friday evening washed down with his favourite Lambrusco. We think that this is some kind of vendetta, our feelings go out to the enterprising and brave Mr Surf.
Regards,
Branston & Tanya Jones,
Elizabeth Barrett Browning Avenue,
Lower Wymsey.


January 19 th
Dear Sir,
I for one, well two if you count my husband, most strongly protest at plans to erect the Millennium Water Tower in the middle of Wymhenge at the top of Wymsey Hill. Tacky vandalism is what I call it, there must be one or more men behind it. Which brings me to another point, how come there are no women members of the State Council? We are a few weeks into a new millennium yet the State Council appears to be in the 19 th Century. Well I, for one, intend to stand in the May elections and will bring the feminine touch to State proceedings. I give those men in charge fair warning, things are going to change around here.
Ethel M Nails,
Wymsey Vegetarians,
Wymsey


Dear Ed,
Just read about the water tower, blooming great idea is that, right bang centre of that pile of old stones. I expect you will get letters of protest from old fuddy duddies and vegetarians. Take it like a man, I says. Think what a sight it will be as the sun comes up behind it on Mid-summer's day, magic!
Regards,
Branston & Tanya Jones,
Elizabeth Barrett Browning Avenue,
Lower Wymsey.


February 23 rd.
Dear Sir,
I am sick and tired of the piffling trivia that occupies the Letters page week after week, month after month, year upon year. Nine times out of ten it's some fanatic vegetarian complaining about a meat eating male or vica versa, Other times it's some ex-councilor bemoaning and/or waxing nostalgic. Well I, for one, am fed up with it and will cancel my subscription unless the Chronicle shapes up toot sweet.
yours,
Brian B Snafu,
The Cinders,
Church Lane,
Wymsey.


Dear Editor,
I am curious. I noted whilst reading the last edition of the Chronicle a mention of the Brassica of St Duvet in the Vatican City. What, I ask, is this? And, why is it not covered by our esteemed Ambassador? I am sure that she would be up to it. Perhaps one of your readers could enlighten me.
yours,
Mrs Jean Smirr,
Thomas Love Peacock Place,
Lower Wymsey.


Dear Ed,
My name is Joyce Smattering and I visited Wymsey in 1968 at the height of the summer of love and met a young man called Julius Blaah on Wymsey Hill. I found him very disturbing, his single minded ambition was out of kilter with the zeitgeist.

It has come to my notice that he is now a successful, if dubious, businessman who has political ambitions. This is scary, your readers should be very careful before aligning themselves with Mr Blaah.
yours,
Joyce Smattering (Ms),
Zanzibar Street,
Heaven-in-the-Wall,
Yorkshire.


Hello Boyos!
It's damn wet here in the Valleys, a dank chapel damp dewy dropping, tingle tangle tumbling, swish swish swosh of a sulky sunless Sunday but that's the valleys for you boyos. The only thing that cheers a body up is the tumble tish tosh trash of the Chronicle of a sun freckled fish fresh Friday morning as Mother slish slush sloshes the pearly porridge pan. Down here all we have is the LLaccllannpool Messenger so here's my subscription cheque my lados, look you,
Dai Jones,
Crrybrnnll Cottage,
LLaccllannpool,
Wales


March 5 th, 2001
Dear Sirs,
I am a new reader of the Wymsey Chronicle, but I am not new to the ways of the world. In Canada we have people like Mr. Surf and I couldn't help but notice how many people sprung to his defence in a fervent and illogical manner. There can be only one reason for this outcry by otherwise "normal" citizens. It is painfully obvious that they are part of a cult and have Mr. Surf to thank for it. Most likely they have been drugged by some special ingredient in his fish batter that has rendered their senses dumb.

It further appears as though his next target is the Pope. I don't know how you handle things in your neck of the woods but over here we don't take kindly to that sort of thing. If anyone tried to turn my Pope into some walking zombie I believe I would have to shoot him in the face. Well any way, good luck with it.
Walter O Nick
One Thoughtful Canadians Solution,
British Columbia,
Canada


Greetings to the people of Wymsey.!
We (my father, my mother, the tofu & myself) have been concerned to hear reports of foot and mouth disease in the UK. We sincerely hope that the proximity of the English state to the free & independent state of Wymsey hasn't led to the infection of the Wymsey livestock. This brings me to the subject of my email. Wymsey could soon be in an ideal situation, exporting disease-free products to the rest of Europe.

The people of Australia would just like you to know that we are willing to reach a mutually beneficial trading arrangement, where we can supply you with uncontaminated beef, lamb and pork to meet any increased demand from the UK. Partly from gratitude for the heroic rescue of the Olympic Games by Dah Dits cough drops, partly because the Wym is more stable and more valuable than the Australian dollar and partly because we'll help anyone rip off the English. The only thing is, we can't help you out with extra meat pies because the football season has started & we need them all here.
yours,
Phyllis Euglena,
Australia.
PS. Mum's tofu allergy turned out to be an allergy to Barbara Cartland. Mum switched to reading Georgette Heyer & now she & the tofu are both happy.


March 10 th, 2001
Gentlemen,
Perhaps you not having your own pope is part of the problem. Maybe this Surf fellow doesn't fear the church the way people of the old Wymsey were made to. Maybe you need to get your own pope. Its not like it hasn't been done before or anything. What you need is a good old-fashioned, tough as nails, hard nosed, take no prisoners kind of pope. Maybe an ex-con or evil dentist, someone that the Surfs of the world will cower to in fear. If this new pope were to, should we say, "eliminate" Mr. Surf in the public square, people might not be so quick to step out of line. BTW, if your new pope and his gang need any weapons, let me know. We always have more than is needed over here.
yours,
Walter O Nick.


Dear Editor,
After reading the most recent letters page in your Wymsey Chronicle I say be damned the lot of ye - where I strive magnificently to earn a living here in Sunny South Africa, there you are awash in your petty concerns, knee deep in vegetables and fishy chips, and threatened by . . . a water tower.

Yes, I repeat - Be Damned The Lot Of Ye . . . and . . .Get A Life . . . a Herbalife!!
Heh Heh Heh Heh!!
Kim Stockwell,
Herbalife Independent Distributor.


April 13th, 2001
Sir,
I want to commend Councillor Blaah for thinking up and promoting the Ideal Gnome Exhibition. What a delightful idea! Councillor Blaah is indeed a true hero of the people -- those of us in the usually silent majority. We've been waiting for a leader such as the great Blaah to step up and speak for us. The radicals who voted the Gnome issue down last year and voted our leader out of office shall now hear from those of us who are usually too "polite" to engage in such commoner practices such as "voting"!
Yours,
Margaret Dithers
wdntuliketoknow


Dear Editor,
What is that blimp Blaah up to? Here we are with a potential disaster on our hands and he wants to have an exhibition of gnomes. The man is potty, next thing you know he'll want some god darn awful burger joint set up on the Green. I can only assume that anyone who supports him has either been paid or is related (perhaps without knowing it).
yours peaceably,
B. Shepton Mallett,
Walter De La Mare Way, Lower Wymsey.


Dear Editor,
May I, through the good offices of the Chronicle, take this opportunity to warn all citizens to be wary of their hormones as spring approaches complete with rampant rustlings in the undergrowth and stirrings among the sapplings.

It is a wise man who does not go out until June.
regards,
Simeon Starbucket,
The Old Souk,
Church Lane,
Wymsey.


May 3rd
Dear Editor
Dammit what's a man to do when his anagram (sic) is yanked right out from under him? He could lay there and take it, or he could complain to the wife, but this man's going to write a Letter and it jolly well better work or I'll Phone! The Society of Whining Pandas has been extant since1927 and shows no sign of stopping. We don't want to be confused with any flybynight Socialist agitators, WE ARE SWP. It says so on the T-shirts, which if you weren't so busy seeing RED you could read a mile off, that they're yellow and the lettering's six point six-eight inches dammit and Green as Grass. I want action. My dialing finger's itchy!
Harold P Parker-Knoll of SWP the Original,
Not to Be Confused With Gormless(sic)Socialists,
Jane Austen Avenue,
Lower Wymsey.


To Mr. or Mrs. Editor,
We were flat-out stunned by Wymsey when we came through to stop for gas last summer. Nice breeze off that Navigation thing you got there, nice people, even little Brittany liked that one horse there. We were all laughing and saying, oh, what a nice one-horse town they got there, we should check it out, see if we can get a vacation home. Well, we did and it's great! Everything is so quiet and old-fashioned, even the bar doesn't have a TV! The house has cable and a really good computer hookups, though. Sure, the roads are a mess but the SUV can handle it. We'll get used to the food eventually, right now we're eating out of cans anyway, Marcy likes to take her time unpacking the kitchen so everything's just right.

Anyway, howdy new neighbours! We love Wymsey!
The Audsochs, Buddy, Marcy, Brittany and baby Dylan
PS Will there be Wymsey things for sale anytime soon? We'd love to buy some coffee mugs and T-shirts, those election flags are so cool!


To the Editor or Editrix,
I want my cat Kumquid to vote. He fits all the requirements, he's Wymsey-born, old enough to make more cats and striped. Beautifully striped, with marks on his hips that are all curled and nice. I think it's a damned shame all these Wymsey people who are mean, stubborn, bad-mannered or certifiably insane get to vote and my Kumquid doesn't. I also have four zebra finches, Wolfgang, Tiberius, Guenevere and Tuesday. Gwen and Wolfie want to vote also (Tib and Tuesday are nesting), however they aren't clear on all the pending issues, so until they make up their minds don't put them in the constitution yet. But I must insist on Kumquid, I really must. He has more brains than the postman and just as much personality as Churchill. I really really must insist.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Ponchartrain Lake-Charles


Dear Editor,
May we remind your readers to exercise their demoncratic rights and duties this coming Thursday. Those that don't vote are in no position to complain when things don't go their way.
Regards,
Betty A Strews
vote watch UK
trewsa@votewatchuk.org


Dear Sir,
I wish to impress upon everyone the importance of determining election candidates attitudes to tofu hunting and other disgusting male activities. Always vote for the person best suited which in most case will be a woman.
yours,
Ethel M Nails
WymseyVeggies


June 13th, 2001
Dear Sir,
May I through your columns thank all the good people who voted for me in the recent so-called State Election. Unfortunately not enough people can see where the NNN party is leading Wymsey. Well, I have done my best which is, after all, all a man can do when the bottom line is reached and there is no where left to run to.

Be that as it may, I have decided that from now on I will avoid politics in all forms and concentrate on my family and business concerns. To the people of Wymsey I say, it's your bed, you made it and you can lay on it.
Yours regretfully,
Julius Blaah,
Church Warden,
The Seven Cedars,
Old Wymsey Manor Road,
Upper Wymsey.


Dear Editor,
A quick message of support for the 13579 club. We know what it is like to be odd.
Phyllis Euglena
The Euglena family at No. 75



Sir:
It has come to my attention that the plants I have put into my garden all have some sort of flower on them. I find this feminine explosion of colour and fragrance ridiculous and extreme. There must be some way of producing a courgette or pea without all this fuss and nonsense. A man can't sweat and toil in a garden surrounded by hundreds of fluffy pink red and yellow blooms. You can't eat runner bean flowers anyway. Poison you know. I have been told one can eat courgette blossoms but I certainly don't wish to.

If a garden is to be a man's garden it can't have all this frilly stuff about it makes me nervous and I forget to turn the compost.
Sincerely,
Bruce Clunkin-Hardy


August 13th, 2001
Dear Sir,
I am hot! And not just because of old Mr. Sunshine! I caught that little barb about Christmas in Texas being tawdry which was written by the high-falootin Miss Meretricia.

I want one and all to be aware that Christmas in Texas is the best y'all will ever see! Why, we have Neiman-Marcus, for Chrissake! You have never seen so much shopping at so many malls It's fun! It must be fun... it causes hangovers. We go all out to make Christmas special here in Texas. Though most of Texas doesn't get snow, we hang pretty little blinking lights on our houses and trees and cacti. We put plastic reindeer in our yards so Mr. Santa will feel right at home. We're friendly, don't you know. And, if you drive around the neighborhoods at night when the lights all lit up real pretty-like and squint your eyes just right... I Swanny, it looks just like a Winter Wonderland!

As a gesture of Texas hospitality, I am inviting Miss-Priss to come and see for herself the wonders of Texas at Christmas. (She can leave her maids behind - we have our own.)
Happy Trails!
Miss Elaine,
Hostess to Misinformed Foreigners
Mesquite,
Texas.


September 20th, 2001
Dear Editor,
I really must protest against Julius Blaah's use of Chronicle space to propagate his tardy ideas. It is not wholesome to see such a person lick his wounds in public. I am not against free speech but it seems to me and my good wife that Blaah has had more than his fair share of free publicity and the time has come to ignore the man.
Yours,
Mrs Lilly Savage,
J K Rolling Way,
Lower Wymsey.


Dear Ed,
How come you give space to idiots like that old ferkin Clunkin-Hardy? He should not be allowed out of doors without his nurse!
Sincerely,
Peter Scott-Bagshop,
Philip Larkin Lane,
Lower Wymsey.


Dear Editor,
Yesterday I heard two tofu calling to each other at the bottom of my garden. Is this unusual? Perhaps your readers can help me.
Mrs Miranda Milton,
Church Lane,
Wymsey.


October 11th, 2001
Dear Sir,
It was most interesting to read about Christmas in Texas. I like to read about how people do things is strange countries. But it's not the same is it?
Happy Trails indeed!
Susan Aspenolla,
Oscar Wilde Place,
Lower Wymsey.


Dear Editor,
Edward Chuffington-Trum here, just wanted to say what a wonderful publication the Wymsey Chronicle is. It's an example to all those utterly boring local newspapers that I come across as I travel from town to town in my role as seed sales manager for the Wymsey Seed and Feed Company, suppliers of fine feedstuffs to country estates since 1876.
Yours,
Edward Chuffington-Trum,
Briars Grange,
Upper Wymsey.


Dear Editor,
Can I please use your excellent columns to remind the people of Wymsey that winter is on it's way. Please conceder the small creatures of the field, especially the humble Tofu.
If we have a hard winter these splendid beings will prosper only with our help, our national website www.tofuwatchuk.org.
Regards,
Mrs Sandra Glazier,
TofuWatch UK,
Tofu House,
West Dribbling-on-the-Marsh,
Nr Basingstoke,
Hants.


December 15th, 2001
Dear Ed,
May I be thanking all your readers who bought me Veggiburgers during 2001. I am sure they are better for it, I knows I am!
Happy Christmas!
Vera Snodging,
Bent Beam Cottage,
Bitstream Lane,
Wymsey.


The Editor and staff of the Wymsey Chronicle bend over backwards to ensure that all aspects of local opinion is represented in the Letters Page, naturally we do not agree with all that is presented here. To be honest much of what you read here drives us to distraction but that's free speech for you.

If you have comments, feelings or views please send them to the Editor.

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