the Wymsey & District Chronicle


letters to the editor, 2006:


please note that these letters are in now counter chronological order.


July
Dear Sir,
Sometimes one needs to bring one's concerns to a wider body of opinion and knowledge than that which sits around the familial, and proverbial, hearth. My current concern is an example of this and it concerns a word that is regularly close to my grammatical heart: epicyclic. Not a word in common usage but I am sure that it was used more in my youth and early twenties, I will not bore you at this time by explaining why this might be. You can learn more about this word here, please do!

Yours,
Patrick Barclay Jones,
Shangri La,
Peter Maxwell Davis Drive,
Lower Wymsey.


Dear Ed,
I happened to be waiting for the Wednesday bus last Wednesday, as it happens, and could not be anything but amazed by what I saw on the Green. Magpies, eight of them - no less - in social commune; not a squabble between them!

I wonder, is this a record?

Yours etc.,
Barnaby P. Sudge,
The Pollards,
Mankin Drew Lane, Wymsey.


Dear Editor,
What is it with John Crisley-Blaah, Media Advice Director(MAD) at Montantrum Nuclear Research? Who is he fooling? (Readers Letters, June, below.) Even the English are beginning to doubt the wisdom of their nuclear advocates, especially now that 12 of their reactors have cracks in their cores. Do we want jammed control rods and melting fuel rods? Of course not.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that the likes of Crisley-Blaah should be silenced, oh no, let's keep them out in the open where we can see them.

Yours,
Simeon P Reinger
Wymsey Peace Corps,
Ernest Stuffe Institute
Wymsey


Dear Editor,
I write to you in regard to a quest for good science and a dollop of common sense as I feel that the time is ripe. And it is time that I write about. Your readers, I am sure, will be aware that we have, due to other priorities and some inertia, maintained the temporal arrangements that we had when we were merely a parish under the English yoke. That is, we observe British Summer Time during the summer months and Greenwich Mean Time in the winter. Given our political position this appears to the writer to be an anachronism and it is time for the State Council to sort Wymsey time once and for all.

The obvious solution would be to adopt Central European Time or European Unified Time (EUT) given that our ties are with Europe rather than the English. There is no reason why we should not call it Wymsey European Time (WET) or Wymsey Unified Time (WUT). EUT is, of course, the same as GMT. Given that the sun always shines on Wymsey I see no reason to have all that light saving rubbish which only confuses our friends in Canada and the Faroe Islands.

Yours in Science,
Dr T M Fortian,
The Ernest Stuffe Institute,
Wymsey.


Dear Sir,
We have waited impatiently and somewhat impotently for someone to complain. We have waited in vain, for someone to complain about the atrocious bus service we have to suffer. A national bus service? Surely the State Council can do better than this! For a start where do they get the buses - no don't actually tell us we might just get hysterical if it is confirmed that they are rejects from the London Museum of Transport in England.

What really gets our goat are those notices that start "Our drivers are here to serve the public..." what planet are they on? The copywriters not the drivers.

We know that we will be accused of ranting but, for goodness sake, who wouldn't! If the State Council can not do better than this then they should abandon any attempt to provide a bus service and issue electric tricycles to the populace with buggy attachments for the little ones and old grannies too.

Regards,
Branston & Tanya Jones,
Elizabeth Barrett Browning Avenue,
Lower Wymsey.


Dear Editor,
Just this past Tuesday morning I was activating my compost heap when I happened to glance across to the chicken house and there on the roof, I swear, was a burglar moth! And it's only June! I wonder, is this a record?

Yours,
Gary 'Bigboy' Biggins,
37B, The Old Arches,
Upper Wymsey.


June
Dear Ed,
I was shocked and appalled whilst reading the May issue of the Wymsey Chronicle that Celina S Fontworthy was hospitalised after an altercation. I feel for the good lady, I have had altercations myself. They are no laughing matter I can assure those of your younger readers who might have been tempted to snigger at Ms Fontworthy's predicament. Let's all wish her god speed and a full recovery!

Amanda Lamok,
The Hedges
Oscar Wilde Lane
Lower Wymsey


Dear Editor,
What fun it was and what memories it brought back to see Sam's pictures of the Isle of Wight hovercraft. Aren't they noisy! And the little radar scanner on top going round in sync with the electrons in the cathode ray tube, sublimity! Does Ryde seafront still smell?

Yours,
Gordon Chumpley,
Team Leader,
Wymsey Male Outdoor Formation Dance Team,
Wymsey.
"Dancing for a better micro-state."


May
Dear Editor,
I just want to say that I am saddened, even outraged and embarrassed that my fellow citizens have once again seated the NNN. I was so hoping that we would return to the good old days of the Julius Blaah administration.
Yours,
Rosalie McLain
Ms Mclain did not indicate her current address so we can only assume that she is still living in the little green wagon in St Peters Square, Rome, Italy. We find it very hard to agree with the good lady's view of ex-Councillor Blaah but Ms McLain was ever the one to tread her own footpath with no gainsaying.


Dear Sir,
We find the misinformed reporting by your publication of nuclear issues as emotive and as biased as the way that you covered the advantages of GM modified plants & foodstuffs. We cannot help but notice that nowhere do you speak to any representative of a very safe and necessary industry. How can we hope to have an informed acceptance without being heard?

Yours,
John Crisley-Blaah
Media Advice Director(MAD)
Montantrum Nuclear Research
University Of Watchester (UWAT)


Dear Editor,
There has been an infestation of some sort of creature that eats our roses. We cannot determine anything further except that it has at least four legs, likes to slobber on our front garden windows, and chews on the pointed hats of our garden sculptures on Wednesdays. The children are frightened and the roses are frankly, devastated.

We did try to ask Les the Pig Countryman what it could be but he appears to have gone on holiday. We feel it would be a public service to be alerted to any strange creature in the environs as the people of Scotland and Norfolk, England, were recently confirmed of their wild cats.

Sincerely
Mr and Mrs Everton-Mint
Doolally
Pine Lane
Wymsey


Dear Editor,
I felt moved to write in praise of the feature on fish, etc., in the Wymsey Weekend. Mr Aspirin has rare and unique vision, I for one look forward to more from him!

Yours,
Magnus Boardfoot,
Ubuntu Drive,
Upper Wymsey.


April
Dear Editor,
I felt impelled to write after reading Mr Aspirin's piece in the Wymsey Weekend! I have thought for some time that we have an impending kipper crisis and would hate to live in a world where only aristocrats and cocaine crazed super models can afford a decent kipper. But that's the way the world is going. At least here in Wymsey we can get French kippers at the Post Office and General Store!

Edith Chomsky,
Wymsey Post Office
The Green
Wymsey


Dear Editor,
I have for some time considered writing to you concerning the fact that all your links to the BigSofa are years out of date and only serve to confuse the slightly diligent. Please inform your readers that if they want to visit the BigSofa they should go here. It really is time that you repaired your linkage. I would not like to be forced to cancel my subscription!

Yours with hope,
Chandra Bianca Smith,
27 Holman Hunt Drive,
Lower Wymsey.


March
Dear Ed,
I was driving through Wymsey recently on the way to visit my Sister, her with the Phd in Spiritualism, when I became unredeemably lost and, in spite of myself, confused. I know that being dog tired did not help but that is no excuse for no decent signage. It could have been an emergency, I might have been having twins, my hamster could have had hives - any number of bad things could have been happening. It's lucky for you lot that I was merely visiting my sister.

Let this be a wake up call to the Powers that Be, get your workpersons to work on a decent set of directions so that visitors like me - strangers to your shores no less - do not end up jibbering wrecks abandoned on some rural bypass.

Yours in hopeful anticipation,
"Buster" O'Reilly
12 Damp Mangle Lane,
Coldhampton,
England.
Funny you should mention that for even as we speak a refugee from the English Ordnance Survey is busy doing stuff with his equipment all over the environs. So you could be in luck next time you visit.


My dear, dear Editor!
What a nice surprise, when I opened the latest hamper from Fourmums & Matron (High Street, Upper Wymsey), to find that dear, dear Nanny Crawlie had included a copy directions on how to find your most estimable organ! It is so good to hear news of home, stuck as we are in the dry sands of outer Araby. Ever since my dear husband Rudy's unfortunate incident with the potboy, the shaving brush and the banana and our subsequent exile to these lands, one feels so isolated.

Please keep up the good work! I do so hope to be able to visit Wymsey before the year is out and should love to entertain your dear, dear readers with a magic lantern show.

Trusting this finds you as it leaves me, in the pink,
Elspeth Farthingale-Hoope (Mrs)(formerly The Hon.)
We were so moved by your story of isolation, sand and social stigma that we had to pop down to the Crown & Thorns for a Winter Brew or two where we bumped into Vera Snoggins (actually she bumped into us) on her second pint of gin. Poor old sot, it's sad to think how she drinks all her Veggiburger profits. And, on the stength of your missive, Fourmums have taken out a very tasteful advert in the Winchester Chronicle!


Dear Sir,
We are well into 2006, the fifth year of the new millennium, and I have to ask you, has anything changed? Do men still run the world? Does a virus spread?

Your lady readers will remember my millennial message published in the Chronicle on January 1 st, 2001. In it I said, "Vegetarian men are more easy to control than their meat eating brothers, their urges less well defined." What was true in 2001 is equally as true in 2006.

So, ladies, it's in our hands - let's make the world a safer place for tofu and all the other cowering male-threatened creatures of Wymsey.

yours,
Ethel M Nails
Wymsey Vegetarians,
Wymsey.


Dear Ed,
Me and my mate Gareth know all about that Billy Fen - his dad reads books, weird or what? Me and Gareth went to England last week, Southampton it was for the football, and we saw lots of kids just like us. We didn't see many like Billy Fen or his mates - their ain't no boffie kids in Southampton. Me and Gareth wished we lived there rather than this boring little country with hardly a pond let alone an ocean. We reckons we'd fit in fine at the university there too, seeing as we're real social and smartly dressed when we goes out with earrings and our extra head coverings. And I'm handing in copies of this letter for my English homework, my IT & Media project and my Humanities homework.

Julius Blaah Junior,
The Seven Cedars,
Old Wymsey Manor Road,
Upper Wymsey.


Dear Editor,
Can we please use the good offices of the Wymsey Chronicle to give your readers advanced warning of the Wymsey Brave Buddleia Festival and Contest which will take place this year on the third Saturday of July to coincide with the start of the school summer holidays.

This year is a special year for lovers of the Purple Parasite. It's been 66 years since the buddleia was liberated from the corners of back gardens and sent into the streets, gutters and chimney pots of Wymsey when enemy bombs tumbled the brick walls that had contained it since its introduction to England in the eighteenth century.

The Committee has produced a programme of events to put the Chelsea Flower Show to shame. A gentleman from London with a very full beard has discovered how to make paper from Buddleia, and will have a table full of his exciting examples. We have the annual Brave Buddleia contest, with photographic submissions of the highest, lowest and oddest architectural buddleias. Obviously there will lots of buddleias for sale, there's an intriguing pink one out now, a sort of dusty-buffy pink with very pointed leaves, not prone to root tinge at all. We will most definitely have a Buddleia King.

Yours with excitement,
Mrs Della Bacon-Handley,
Tew Close,
Chimbley Downstream,
Wymsey.
We can hardly wait! Ed.


February
Editor,
That thing about cooking an egg with two cell phones? Stupid. It wasn't funny, and it can't work in reality, even if you set the two phones on fire and place them under a pan with an egg in it. All you're doing is setting the cell-phone industry back 10 years in convincing people (rightly) that their product is safe. I hope they sue you for legal fees for every case they have to defend in the future. Dolts.
Julius Blaah
Church Warden
The Seven Cedars
Old Wymsey Manor Road
Upper Wymsey.
10 years! All by ourselves? Rollover Vodaphone!


Dear Editor,
My husband is spot on. People will take that mobile phone rubbish thing seriously, and from there it gets worse. You're slandering an entire industry, and risking the jobs of people who are doing nothing wrong. And you /enjoy/ that? That's sad. And evil. And an exhibition of almost preternatural denial. Get thee to a head-shrinker, "sport".
Mrs Julius Blaah
The Seven Cedars
Old Wymsey Manor Road
Upper Wymsey.
Evil! Us? Come on Mrs Blaah, I bet the old man wrote that for you. Although we think that we would like being "an exhibition of almost preternatural denial" if we knew what it meant.


Dear Editor,
Call me silly, think of me as crazy if you must, but I'm sure yesterday evening as activating my compost heap that I heard a tofu call. In February! Could this be due to global warming or am I deluded?
Cheerfully yours
Wanton Smith
The Bungalow
2 Navigation Cottages
Wymsey.


Dear Editor,
We cannot but help notice that the New Management, so-called, has taken a predictable stance vis-a-vis identity cards! But have you thought this through? My wife and I doubt it!

We all need to know who we are and with so many identity thefts happening these days we need to have all our identifying parameters safely stored on a strip of plastic which we can keep on our persons at all times. And another thing, if the card was to include GPS technology we would also be able to know where we are. Imagine how useful that would be at closing time of a Saturday. Bring on the biometrics we say!

Regards,
Branston & Tanya Jones,
Elizabeth Barrett Browning Avenue,
Lower Wymsey.
Haha Branston & Tanya! Informed readers will know what goes down on Elizabeth Barrett Browning Avenue, if not watch out for our new revelatory series "Elizabeth Barrett Browning Avenue - Road to Damnation and Shame" in the next edition of the Wymsey Weekend.


January
Dear Mr Ed,
Me and my mates have been talking and we think your paper is totally boring and lacks any cool flash movies and you don't knock chavs. We know there are none in Wymsey but there tons just over the border in England.
Billy Fen
T S Eliot Lane
Lower Wymsey.





The Editor and staff of the Wymsey Chronicle frequently bend over backwards to ensure that all aspects of local opinion is represented in the Letters Page, naturally we do not agree with much that is presented here. To be honest much of what you read here drives us to distraction but that's free speech for you.

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