an expert writes


The world is full of experts and I expect that you have met one or two along the way. Many such persons have visited Wymsey and, from time to time, the village or some aspect of it has been subjected to expert attention. Not a few papers have been published. Here you will find a selection of such papers.


The Psycho-Sociologist The International Relations Expert
The Jungian Analyst The Dental Surgeon's Wife
The Philosophical Embroiderer



The Psycho-Sociologist:

Dr Langhorn Spode Dr Langhorn Spode holds the Chair of Rural Studies at the University of Watchester (UWAT) and is a recognised world expert in the field of synchronic observation techniques. His publications include The Rural Myth in the Urban Mind (1982), The Place of Trees in Rural Myth (1986), Time, Shadow and Deflection (1993). His most recent publication, The Village That Thrives, is based on research carried out in Wymsey and was nominated for the UK Sociology Book of the Year award. Dr Spode declines to have an email address or web site.

That eternal divide, matter and mind, is eloquently expressed in this writer's study of everyday life in the typically English village of Wymsey. The term 'matter and mind' is used deviant graph advisedly and with one caveat- that being that there is a small minority of people for whom it does matter and who do mind. These this writer has termed deviants, trouble makers in common speech. These deviants are beyond the curve of a decent graph and need to be eliminated.

Following the discredited work of Jackof, Perkins, et al, rural field work has been under close scrutiny and it was important to make use of double blind techniques. In the case of the Wymsey study participants were informed that they were the control group for a, purely fictitious, study of mating habits in Roswell, New Mexico and researchers wore dark glasses.

Interested students are referred the writer's recent publication 'The Village That Thrives - A Study of Rural Personas', Henkins, Henkins & Jaw, London, 1999. This writer's fundamental conclusion is that multiple sub-personalities thrive in Wymsey and that there is no reason to believe that this is unusual.
© 2000 Dr Langhorn Spode FRSPS.

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The Foreign Relations Expert:

Kevin Downside Kevin Downside is Head of Development at the Pacific Rim Institute of Koolawatta (PRIK), Queensland, Australia. His speciality is the international relational aspects of modern communications. Professor Downside is married with three children, a four wheel drive and he purchases his 4X over the internet from kannedbeer.au .

As an expert in my field I make it my business to keep an eye on certain areas of the Internet which is how I first came across Wymsey - you poms are certainly free with your liberties. Of the many sites purporting to represent a community yours takes the biscuit. Nowhere in one place have I come across so many misleading statements, misunderstanding, mixed metaphors, mischief, misconceptions, misinformation, misogamy, misology and misrule. All that's missing is a jar of miso.

From your local paper's letters column I note that you have already upset a number of governments and it would appear to be deliberate. Whilst I personally applaud your attitude to the British government I am forced to wonder if that is wise given that they have you surrounded.

My main concern is the way that you attack the worlds most influential nations, countries such as Australia, Belgium and Canada are not going to just lay there and let you walk all over them. We at PRIK have seen this happen before and it has always ended with the perpetrator in tears. In the meantime I shall watch your corner and advise you to do the same.
© 2000 Kevin Downside.

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The Dental Surgeon's Wife:

Irene De Mandible Prior to her hospitalization Irene De Mandible was able to forward the following biographical note which will give the reader some insight into her mind: It is so nice to be asked for one's autobiography. I vaguely recollect separating from the light and descending through the heavens to the earth, the final moments of which were lovely, the town lights twinkling over the Kansas prairie. I was given instruction on what my life was to be on earth but I never recollect it until events have transpired, but that is how it's supposed to be I think. My meditations on that preparatory phase alone comprise twenty volumes. I would be delighted for you to put them into HTML for the web.

Well, I feel so very privileged, so very privileged indeed, to be asked for my assistance (i.e. sharing my unique viewpoint) in meeting the demands of EU2000/1/1 (The Representative Equalization of Societal Depictions Directive). It is good to be published once again.

I'll have you know that in my youth, I was considered to have a precocious talent for sharing my unique viewpoint. I was a rising star in the field, was honoured with some recognition, and it was considered likely that I would, and I quote, "go to extremes." Many long years have passed between now and then and as I've not been published since 1975 I had begun to fear, these past few hours, that the knack had left me, and wondered if I had actually possessed any talent at all. Then I received an invitation to join this honourable company in lending assistance (i.e. sharing my unique viewpoint) in meeting the demands of EU2000/1/1 (The Representative Equalization of Societal Depictions Directive). It has come at a most agreeable time, considering how depressed I have been since 10 A.M. on account of having done nothing much since 1975.

Well, I can't actually say I've done nothing, for I've stayed out of trouble now for 25 years. That is yes, doing nothing, but it has been in a decent law-abiding fashion. Today, however, I've been wondering if it has been worth it, if it has dulled my "edge" a bit, considering that all of you are figments of my zoo keepers' imagination anyway, so I could have been doing damn well whatever I wanted to do these past 25 years as the courts, etc. are but a charade staged for benefit of having everything in this zoo look real to me.

It would be nice if my zoo keepers had decided I should play the part of successful writer, instead of receiving all my manuscripts through the false channels of the fake postal system and letting me itch for an appropriate length of time before sending me another rejection slip.

I have begun to get irritated over this. But I do appreciate their attempts to make me feel at least a bit worthwhile, by making up this bit about EU2000/1/1 so that I may be asked for my assistance (i.e. sharing my unique viewpoint) in meeting the demands of the Representative Equalization of Societal Depictions Directive. It is also apropos that this request should come today concerning the RESD, also known as Restorative Dentistry
( RES D ) for just this weekend my husband lost part of a filling in a tooth. But you would know that wouldn't you, since you probably designed the filling only to last until the time I received this request for my opinion on EU2000 (RESD) that I might therefore make the connection between RESD and Restorative Dentistry and understand that my husband's filling falling out was not accidental at all. I'm not sure what it means, but I'll figure it out yet.
© 2000 Juli Kearns. Website: Bigsofa

The Urly Bird interviews Irene de Mandible.

Editor's Note: Whilst Ms De Mandible's contribution does not exactly meet the desired criteria in that it's relevance to the village of Wymsey is exceedingly elusive we have, however, included it because it is so typical of her output. In passing we should point that the accompanying photograph is of Ms De Mandibles sister Pookah who runs an
Astral Travel Service.

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The Jungian Analyst:

Dr Brain BenbeculaDr Ben Becula is a Jungian analyst who has for many decades studied the process of individuation. In recent years he has contributed many papers on the role that the World Wide Web plays in this process for many people. In this respect he is well known for coining the phrase "extroverting the introvert." Dr Becula is currently completing a study of online imaginary communities and the minds of the persons behind such creations.

Whilst Freud saw the subconscious as a bottomless pit full of horrors Jung viewed it as a multi-layered repository of all that makes us sentient, human and individual - full of both the personal and impersonal. To Jung life is a process of conscious and subconscious integration and in recent years the writer has been investigating various areas of the Internet with respect to this process.

I first came across the village of Wymsey a little over a year ago and, like most people, initially thought that this web site was indeed the online presence of a typical English village. But that view soon needed some modification after looking at the people that populated the village. What, this writer speculated, what if each of these villagers were actually an aspect of one and the same person. What might one deduce about the mind behind these characters, is the viewer witnessing a process of integration or one of disintegration? We may be sure that this is the work on a single individual, perhaps a quite unusual person or at least a person with an unusual mind.

Had this person been in therapy, does he need more? Was this individual conscious of what he was up to? So many questions raced through this writer's mind and any attempt to communicate with the person behind Wymsey and the 'Contortium' were met with spurious replies and deliberate misunderstanding of this writer. He or she doesn't seem to want an expert's input into his process.

© 2000 c.ivermee

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The Philosophical Embroiderer:

Maragold D Babie (an artist's impression) After many years of vellicating adroitly from sea to shining sea Maragold D Babie settled down with a number of seamstresses and costumers in an unconducive west coast dormitory town from whence she preceded to philosophise and visit her hair stylist on a weekly basis. Below are the notes she left behind whilst on a recent visit to the Ernest Stuffe Institute where she enthralled the assembled seekers.


Modern life - what of it? You're either in it or out of it. Once you adjust to this inevitable fact, you might find there are many hours to fill that once were lost to pointless contemplation. I solved this problem with a hank of silk and a needle with a big eye: Embroidery. Seasons slipped by effortlessly as my coffers were filled with cotton-eyed kittens and fetching ladies in double-chain stitch hoop skirts. I was open to anything, any subject could be converted to a two-dimensional world of loops, knots and fringe. And any subject was.

Then one day, using my favourite hoop, tearing into a new package of DMC 2945, I realized it was Summer. Warm, luxurious Summer. But I was making a Christmas tree skirt! Red velveteen, the embroidery design being an original of my own, vast arrays of Dellarobbia fruit and flowers, sparkly ribbon woven in and through. Dazzling really, but this was Summer! As if surrounded by a golden mist, I felt caught up in a Loop of Time, my lap full of Victorian promises of gifts and cozy Winter traditions, my body sweating in an inordinately humid weather anomaly, the sheer batiste of my summer gown clinging moistly. My swan-shaped scissors tipped to the floor. Coca-Cola fizzed softly on the end table at my elbow. It came to me as in a dream: Embroider sufficient unto the Day!

I stuffed the tree skirt into my bulging cedar chest and went through the Pending box. An apron with zinnias came to hand, resplendent in reds and purples! This was a summer project! My needle became hot as I turned out petal after petal. Perspiration beaded my brow, my spectacles misted, but the incredible Rightness of what I was doing sustained me. By mid afternoon the apron was done. I starched and ironed it, packed it away neatly for my cousin Fayth's birthday and moved on. Pillowslips with willows and a little red Japanese bridge were summery - organza kitchen curtains with Swedish pullwork were summery - a toaster cover with daisies was kind of summery but I already have one with ivy so I put it back - then my hand touched something infinitely soft. My eyes dilated with pleasure at the pale pink color of a faux cashmere fling. It was awaiting a beaded fringe and scattered roses embroidered in silk twist with sequin dewdrops.

I was torn. This was the Test. The fling was too warm for a Summer wrap. Too pale for an Autumn wrap and laughably thin for Winter. Spring? Had to be. But the richness of the roses was so redolent of the dog days of August, the deepness of the fringe a sumptuous reminder of falling leaves. At first my mind reeled a bit. If I was to live my Philosophy, I had to choose. I would be an Appropriate Embroidery hypocrite if I worked on it out of season.

Then, smoothing the delicate fabric across one thoughtful knee, I realized that I had not allowed myself the greatest assumption of faith of all - the Trans-Seasonal Garment. With the correct outfit, the pink cashmere fling could be worn with dash, eclat and aplomb at any time of year. With reverence I dug out my beading needle and stuck some sequins onto the gummy bit of a Post-It Note for ready use. Relief and near ecstasy flowed over me as my needle went into its familiar rhythm.

It was going to be all right. Embroidery, like prayer, lovemaking and a cup of tea, is always correct when done with love.

NB You might want to start off with something simple, like alphabet samplers and gingham specs holders, though. Philosophy is learned as well as lived, don't frustrate yourself with a full set of petitpoint chair cushions until you've worked up to it.

© 2001 maragold d babie

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